Alright. I'm awful at it.
Infact not only am I awful at updating, I don't feel like I'm very good at writing in the first place so why did I even think that starting a blog was a good idea?
I didn't really. I don't particularly like writing (mostly because I don't feel I'm very good at it) also I find it more difficult than talking out loud. That I'm an expert at. I could run my mouth all day if you let me and there was someone to pretend to listen. I sort of started this blog at the suggestion of my therapist who thought it could be a useful tool in venting frustrations or analysing some of my feelings about transitioning. I think it can be; for some people. People who are drawn to writing as a tool of expression to begin with. I, however, consider myself to be a visual artist. What that means in my case is; I can paint or sculpt or draw or be generally arty and creative or destructive depending on what the job calls for, heck I can write informally too if its just casual like this and I'm trying to avoid doing something that might in some way be emotionally taxing like I am doing right now. That is until I'm told I should write something.
I am currently supposed to be writing a "Written life story regarding my gender identity history and goals" I cannot begin to describe how frustrating it is for me to be requested to write something. This just feels like I need to qualify how feel about myself to prove to "the powers that decide" that I should be taken seriously about my needs to transition and that am seeking top surgery and need assistance attaining it because medical fees are expensive if you go to a private surgeon to have this procedure done but if I go through "the powers that decide" and they decide "yes" then I can have the government pay for this for me which means I can continue to pay the government what little money I have for letting me go to college so I can have enough education to have an entry level full-time job in a field I didn't go to school for so I could pay the bills.
That being said this life story thing is essentially what I've told my therapist and only a small handful of people. I wouldn't even say a handful really... my therapist... one close friend... my ex... No one really knows as much about my childhood except for my therapist and one of my close friends. Some other close friends know bits and pieces but no one knows everything like I do and its really hard telling people those things because they have been kept hidden and quiet and ignored and buried for so long because they are hard to deal with. And mine to deal with. They aren't for other people. I don't like... asking for help. I deal with my own burdens because I don't feel its fair for other people to have to deal with mine as well as their own.
I realise it seems a little hypocritical to then go asking "the powers that decide" for help but I don't feel like I really have a choice. I need the ability to just... be. To not have to explain to people why I feel the way I do or how I knew I was trans-man or whats in my underpants or be mistaken for being a really impressive trans-woman. I just want to exist and be comfortable with my body and until I pass I will have to continually qualify my existence.
The truth is it was transition or shut down completely. I was becoming a shell. Someone else. Someone who existed but had no insides. Hollow.
So I guess I will have to explain to "the powers that decide" just like I explain to every well-meaning, ill-informed, curious, sheltered person who asks.
"Oh... your name is John? I've never met a girl named John before. Is that short for something?"
"John huh? I've noticed a lot of girls are going by the male short-form of their names now a days. What's your full name?"
"Yeah but what's your real name?"
"I'm sorry I'm going to have to ask you to leave the men's room. you can't be in here. Leave the men's room or leave the bar. What does your ID say?"
"So... like... do you have a penis?"
"Do you think you'll get the surgery?"
"Wow, you used to be a boy? Cuz you're like... really pretty!" (I would like to say "fuck you" on behalf of Trans-women, you ignorant cow!)
"Why would you want to be a boy when you are so pretty as a girl?"
"This is a man's haircut. I will give you a similar ladies' haircut. Very pretty, you would make some boy very happy. Boys like girls with short hair."
"You know your... johnson right? Isn't it true you could just... get one as big as you like? Why wouldn't you just do that? I mean... why would you want a small one??"
By the way, as of August 21st I started T and have been on it for 16 weeks. I am still misgendered fairly regularly but the other day at the mall my cashier at Tim Horton's called me "Miss" and then called me "Sir" for the rest of my order and the guy in the HMV called me "man" and "dude". I'm fairly sure I've begun passing on the phone, hopefully I'll be able to find my mic for my XBox soon and I'll be able to put that theory to the test on XBL.
P.S. - My girlfriend is awesome!
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Monday, June 25, 2012
Bathrooms
Today I was told for the first time that I couldn't use the men's room of the bar I was in. I tried to explain that I was trans and that there are not actual laws that prohibit me from using the men's washroom but he told me "that doesn't matter. What does your drivers license say?" There is more to this story but I am frustrated and tired and my cell is dying so I think I will explain this story to the people I was actually at the bar with first...
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Quick update!
I have not forgotten that no one reads this! So a couple of weeks ago I was asked out by a girl that I have had a crush on for some time but because we hadn't spoken our going out in a while I had sort of forgotten about. Anyways we spent a weekend working at a convention together and had a really good time and enjoyed each other's company and she asked me out. We have gone on a couple of dates and things are going well.
But...
I don't know if its my self esteem or what but I just don't get what she sees in me. I mean maybe I've put her on a pedestal or something but she has some mondo life experience compared to myself and I honestly don't see what she sees in me but I really like her and I'm glad she took a chance on asking me out.
Also, another funny quick story. We were in a club with one of her friends, and that friend was asking me a bunch of questions about what I do and that sort of thing. She gets really excited easily and blurted out "I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOUR ANNIVERSARIES" with a squeal. I nearly spit my drink because this was only the second date and the first time I had even met this girl. I laughed it off and looked to my date.
"Pardon?" She asked. She apparantly hadn't heard her friend's comment. I told her about it the next day and she looked a little embarrassed but mostly found the comment amusing. I'm not sure if she pretended not to hear her friend that night and I'm not sure what exactly she has been telling her friends about me; but I'm sure it will be fun to find out. : D
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Things Like This
Today was a good day for so many more reasons than just this, but it would have been enough to make any day a good one.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
The e-Mail.
So this is the post I was going to write shortly after the post before the last one.
I work at a college residence, and I know there is potential for a LGBT community there that I feel isn't being recognised, so I wrote an e-mail to a colleague who has more of a hand in this kind of decision-making.
What follows is that e-mail:
Hey Shauna!
Arthur and I were chatting last night about maybe holding some kind of event aimed at the LGBT community and their allies.
There didn't seem to be many events that encouraged a safe support network and a social environment for us, and although we know we would be welcome to any of the events held at Res or even the College Name GSA; I, or someone in my shoes might not feel particularly drawn to socialize completely-comfortably in other situations or might not get what we might be hoping to find.
As I am observing; Residence can be a funny place. So many people come from all walks of life and are all made to share the same small home. This causes some residents to make new friends quite quickly and start a new chapter in their lives away from home, while others may be a little shy and being thrust into a building full of 300 strangers may cause them to feel even more isolated.
Many students come to post-secondary schools hoping for a new beginning. High-school or even their homes might not have been the most friendly place for them especially if they were "different". I would say it is the first few years away from home when students really start to become who they are supposed to be, and some need a little bit of reassurance that they're still okay.
I myself didn't tell my parents I was dating a girl until half-way through my third year of college. That was 16 months after I joined the College Name GSA as a "straight female" because my gay roommate and now best friend thought it would be good to meet new people and show our support for others who shared our beliefs and 6 months after starting to date my first girlfriend. I don't know what I would have done without my buddy Mike and the GSA. I don't know what my ex-girlfriend would have done without her lesbian roommate/best friend encouraging her to join when she identified as "straight".
Since then College Name's GSA has changed quite a bit. I still know many of the students who attend/lead it and I by no means want to step on any toes there but the kind of people there might not be for everyone. I am still friends with them but they might be a little... extreme. Most of them have been students for about as long as I have and an outsider may find them a little too clicky.
A couple of students I have talked to in the residence weren't even aware that College Name had its own GSA.
My hopes would be to have some kind of event to establish some friendships outside of the student's classes, and encourage a safe environment within the residence.
I believe in the upcoming weeks (perhaps in February or maybe March) Carol has a Real-Talk event regarding the LGBT community. Maybe there is something we can do before then? Maybe an event like this is something our employer might not go for or might feel like it might put students "at risk", but if that were the case then that is the reason we SHOULD have a community like this.
I may have over-stepped my boundaries, and if so; I apologize. This might be more of an issue to bring up to the college, but I would like to see more events either here or there that promote self-growth, community, and especially unity for those of us who at one time or another may have felt "different".
Thank you for your time,
I hope this e-mail wasn't too lengthy.
~John
A couple of days later (because I sent this on a Thursday and then Shauna couldn't respond for the next few days) I got a response to my e-mail:
Shauna
SHIT I HAVE TO WRITE AN ARTICLE FOR OUR NEWSLETTER NOW?!
THAT WAS NOT THE PLAN!
I work at a college residence, and I know there is potential for a LGBT community there that I feel isn't being recognised, so I wrote an e-mail to a colleague who has more of a hand in this kind of decision-making.
What follows is that e-mail:
Hey Shauna!
Arthur and I were chatting last night about maybe holding some kind of event aimed at the LGBT community and their allies.
There didn't seem to be many events that encouraged a safe support network and a social environment for us, and although we know we would be welcome to any of the events held at Res or even the College Name GSA; I, or someone in my shoes might not feel particularly drawn to socialize completely-comfortably in other situations or might not get what we might be hoping to find.
As I am observing; Residence can be a funny place. So many people come from all walks of life and are all made to share the same small home. This causes some residents to make new friends quite quickly and start a new chapter in their lives away from home, while others may be a little shy and being thrust into a building full of 300 strangers may cause them to feel even more isolated.
Many students come to post-secondary schools hoping for a new beginning. High-school or even their homes might not have been the most friendly place for them especially if they were "different". I would say it is the first few years away from home when students really start to become who they are supposed to be, and some need a little bit of reassurance that they're still okay.
I myself didn't tell my parents I was dating a girl until half-way through my third year of college. That was 16 months after I joined the College Name GSA as a "straight female" because my gay roommate and now best friend thought it would be good to meet new people and show our support for others who shared our beliefs and 6 months after starting to date my first girlfriend. I don't know what I would have done without my buddy Mike and the GSA. I don't know what my ex-girlfriend would have done without her lesbian roommate/best friend encouraging her to join when she identified as "straight".
Since then College Name's GSA has changed quite a bit. I still know many of the students who attend/lead it and I by no means want to step on any toes there but the kind of people there might not be for everyone. I am still friends with them but they might be a little... extreme. Most of them have been students for about as long as I have and an outsider may find them a little too clicky.
A couple of students I have talked to in the residence weren't even aware that College Name had its own GSA.
My hopes would be to have some kind of event to establish some friendships outside of the student's classes, and encourage a safe environment within the residence.
I believe in the upcoming weeks (perhaps in February or maybe March) Carol has a Real-Talk event regarding the LGBT community. Maybe there is something we can do before then? Maybe an event like this is something our employer might not go for or might feel like it might put students "at risk", but if that were the case then that is the reason we SHOULD have a community like this.
I may have over-stepped my boundaries, and if so; I apologize. This might be more of an issue to bring up to the college, but I would like to see more events either here or there that promote self-growth, community, and especially unity for those of us who at one time or another may have felt "different".
Thank you for your time,
I hope this e-mail wasn't too lengthy.
~John
A couple of days later (because I sent this on a Thursday and then Shauna couldn't respond for the next few days) I got a response to my e-mail:
Hey John:
Great email-such good ideas.
Yes, I am totally on-side with an LGBTQ event. February seems packed with events around Valentine’s Day , and they have to be jammed in before the break, but March has little of interest to offer beside St Paddy’s.
Being pretty new to College Name myself I have not met anyone from the GSA and only know of it because of a casual conversation with someone from College Student Union.
You are a very talented writer; your email reads like an article (yeah, you got me, I’m asking if you would be willing to write an article for the March newsletter).
I think you, Arthur, and I should set a mtg for when I’m back from break. Let’s aim for week of February 12. I am confident that we can come up with one or more program ideas for March that would be really interesting to rez students and would hopefully attract an under-served demographic.
I think the peeps in rez will be fascinated by your story. And I know for a fact they are curious about Arthur but too shy to ask. Perhaps we can identify someone else with a unique story/perspective who might be willing to share his/her story.
I don’t have much to offer from my personal experience other than some amusing anecdotes from PFLAG mtgs
Before I left Other College Name I was in the process of creating an event based on two speakers (one of whom was a summer resident) who are active members of the S&M Community; their experiences with administration, instructors, peers, and roommates at College Name was fascinating. I don’t think anyone has moved forward with this in past couple of monthes.
I don’t want to wait for Carol cus I think we have a good sense our students and are more than capable of reaching out to them in a way that will be effective.
Thanks so much for the suggestions and ideas-this will be a great focus for next month. Oh, and FYI, it takes a lot to “over step” with me so that isn’t something to waste time worrying about.
Chat soon.Shauna
SHIT I HAVE TO WRITE AN ARTICLE FOR OUR NEWSLETTER NOW?!
THAT WAS NOT THE PLAN!
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Blerg.
I have not updated in about two weeks and this reflects a little badly on my part because I do not have a good reason!
I was a little lazy, and the previous post to this one is a little lame. Nothing had really happened that week that I felt was super important to update about but I updated none-the-less. Then I was texting a buddy later in the day and had a pretty good conversation with him about how I had been planning the next couple of years of my life. That's what I hope to talk about in this post. THEN I'm going to make ANOTHER post about an e-mail I sent to a co-worker about running some events at my work.
SIDE NOTE: HEY LOOK A DISTRACTION!!
Anyways. What follows is essentially a transcript of the conversation I had with my buddy, the day after I posted my last... post.
Me: Have I told you that I want to go back to school for theater tech?
Zack: Whatttt? No! Thats awesome! Where would you be gpin?? (goin. Oh yeah, I'll include the spelling mistakes)
Me: I wanna go back to sheridan but its going to be like... A 4 year course so I'm toying with the idea of doing it after transitioning
Zack: Oh jeez eh.. ya man thats long... what are the reasons for waiting? Obv. just from your perspective
Zack: Like in stead of transitionin in school
Me: Well I feel like I'd have enough onn my plate with a heavy course like theater tech and also because its going to be 4 years I would like to start fresh with a new class instead of going through those changes infront of everyone
Zack: Ha totally fair enough... itsa good idea
Me: I don't know if I want to be living like a student for that long though lol yknow?
Zack: Hmmmm well look at it this way... if you went to school and then were given the choice to transition... would you really not take it cause you were in school?
Me: That is a good point. I would still do it
Me: I guess I just don't likethe idea of being put on display while I'm trying to work
Me: And a litle scared that I might be judged while being inbetween
Me: I want to be able to pass in my classes I don't want it to be an issue :/
Me: I should be blogging this lmao sorry abbout all the posts
Zack: No no dude feel free i like hearin you text bout it:-) i was just doin my pilates thing
Zack: Honrstly man most people wont even pay attention... especially if you go in there as male and sobt say anythin else aaout it
Zack: Do things like get them to put john on the attendance
Either that or wait till youve at least started transitioning.
Me: I guess... I mean thats what you did right
Zack: Ya pretty much... at least starting transitioning definately made me feel more solid before goin to school.
BAM! so there's some stuff to think about.
I'm still not sure what I'm going to do but...y'know I think that's okay. This sort of stuff is good to think about.
I was a little lazy, and the previous post to this one is a little lame. Nothing had really happened that week that I felt was super important to update about but I updated none-the-less. Then I was texting a buddy later in the day and had a pretty good conversation with him about how I had been planning the next couple of years of my life. That's what I hope to talk about in this post. THEN I'm going to make ANOTHER post about an e-mail I sent to a co-worker about running some events at my work.
SIDE NOTE: HEY LOOK A DISTRACTION!!
Anyways. What follows is essentially a transcript of the conversation I had with my buddy, the day after I posted my last... post.
Me: Have I told you that I want to go back to school for theater tech?
Zack: Whatttt? No! Thats awesome! Where would you be gpin?? (goin. Oh yeah, I'll include the spelling mistakes)
Me: I wanna go back to sheridan but its going to be like... A 4 year course so I'm toying with the idea of doing it after transitioning
Zack: Oh jeez eh.. ya man thats long... what are the reasons for waiting? Obv. just from your perspective
Zack: Like in stead of transitionin in school
Me: Well I feel like I'd have enough onn my plate with a heavy course like theater tech and also because its going to be 4 years I would like to start fresh with a new class instead of going through those changes infront of everyone
Zack: Ha totally fair enough... itsa good idea
Me: I don't know if I want to be living like a student for that long though lol yknow?
Zack: Hmmmm well look at it this way... if you went to school and then were given the choice to transition... would you really not take it cause you were in school?
Me: That is a good point. I would still do it
Me: I guess I just don't likethe idea of being put on display while I'm trying to work
Me: And a litle scared that I might be judged while being inbetween
Me: I want to be able to pass in my classes I don't want it to be an issue :/
Me: I should be blogging this lmao sorry abbout all the posts
Zack: No no dude feel free i like hearin you text bout it:-) i was just doin my pilates thing
Zack: Honrstly man most people wont even pay attention... especially if you go in there as male and sobt say anythin else aaout it
Zack: Do things like get them to put john on the attendance
Either that or wait till youve at least started transitioning.
Me: I guess... I mean thats what you did right
Zack: Ya pretty much... at least starting transitioning definately made me feel more solid before goin to school.
BAM! so there's some stuff to think about.
I'm still not sure what I'm going to do but...y'know I think that's okay. This sort of stuff is good to think about.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
The Waiting Game
Its been a long week back at work. I am starting to realize that this job is not for me, it is not ultimately fulfilling as well as very stressful.
I am making friends and meeting people BUT if I am in the lowest spot in the totem pole and still coming home and worrying about what is getting done at work and what I will have to deal with when I get back the next morning or on Monday then something is not working properly within that company.
On the plus side I found out that I have begun paying off my student loans. And I believe within the next couple of months I should be getting health benefits from work. Which will be awesome, I hope... I hope that it will come in handy if I need assistance once I start therapy or if I'll need assistance starting hormones or with surgery.
I would like to go back to school for theater tech I believe. I want to go back to school after taking care of the next few... steps I guess. (I don't know what to really refer to it as) I'm not feeling like I'm making "official progress" I'm currently waiting on a call from the organization whose waiting list I am on for a spot in therapy (hurray!) but it feels like I have been waiting for a very very long time and I don't know how much longer I will have to wait for.
Occasionally I feel like I might not be taken seriously because I'm not seriously harming myself or abusing substances. I seriously hope that won't be the case. Everyone struggles in their own way and I hope everyone will be able to find peace in whatever way we are looking for it.
I am making friends and meeting people BUT if I am in the lowest spot in the totem pole and still coming home and worrying about what is getting done at work and what I will have to deal with when I get back the next morning or on Monday then something is not working properly within that company.
On the plus side I found out that I have begun paying off my student loans. And I believe within the next couple of months I should be getting health benefits from work. Which will be awesome, I hope... I hope that it will come in handy if I need assistance once I start therapy or if I'll need assistance starting hormones or with surgery.
I would like to go back to school for theater tech I believe. I want to go back to school after taking care of the next few... steps I guess. (I don't know what to really refer to it as) I'm not feeling like I'm making "official progress" I'm currently waiting on a call from the organization whose waiting list I am on for a spot in therapy (hurray!) but it feels like I have been waiting for a very very long time and I don't know how much longer I will have to wait for.
Occasionally I feel like I might not be taken seriously because I'm not seriously harming myself or abusing substances. I seriously hope that won't be the case. Everyone struggles in their own way and I hope everyone will be able to find peace in whatever way we are looking for it.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Lonesome Dog
I'm taking a little break from work as I start writing this. Currently I'm living at work for a few days to get some hardcore work done before guests comeback from the holidays. (I kind of work at a hotel type place) I'm mostly doing cleaning and things but it takes a long time so work is letting me crash in one of their rooms while I'm here.
I wanted to talk a bit about feeling lonely. Sometimes I think another pet would fix that, or at the very least make life a little more bearable.
I have been feeling this way for a couple of weeks now but its been getting worse lately. I've been itching for things to do to keep myself occupied. Thankfully my friends wanted to go see a film yesterday so we went to see Tintin. I have been excited to see this film since hearing Simon Pegg and Nick Frost would be Thompson and Thomson. I am a big fan of Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, and Edgar Wright. I also have fond memories of watching Tintin the cartoon as a child.
I also love Tintin's dog Snowy, how effing awesome is that dog? I sort of feel bad for all the parents who took their kids to see that film because every one of them is going to leave that theater wanting a freaking dog. They will, I know because I want one.
I however, have 23 years of wanting a dog under my belt as opposed to some little kid wanting one for a week and a half.
I feel like a dog would be good to have in some respects because it would want more from me than my rats do. (I have 3 and I love them to bits but its not quite the same) Perhaps I have this romanticized (figuratively, of course) idea of what having a dog would be like. The idea of having a friend who would be undyingly loyal and who would love you unconditionally regardless of who I was. Maybe I secretly hope that having a dog would be like having Snowy. We would have adventures and I wouldn't need to have him on a lead and he would be extremely well behaved and my best friend. Realistically I know it wouldn't be exactly like this, atleast not right away, but I could hope and dream right?
Someday I'll be able to get a dog but I know I can't until I'm better able to support myself. I'd need to have a job that I can support myself with, pay my rent and buy groceries without being afraid I might not have another paycheck coming. Live in a place that isn't too expensive and I'm not afraid I might get kicked out of. I have enough fears of what I might have to pay in regards to doctor's fees. Things that OHIP or my benefits might not cover. It would be completely irresponsible to get a dog and not have money I could pay to a vet in the event that that dog got sick.
Until the day I am working in a career I am happy with and a little more stable health-wise and financially; I cannot have that kind of companion to depend on me for the necessities of life.
Man I want an effin dog though.
I wanted to talk a bit about feeling lonely. Sometimes I think another pet would fix that, or at the very least make life a little more bearable.
I have been feeling this way for a couple of weeks now but its been getting worse lately. I've been itching for things to do to keep myself occupied. Thankfully my friends wanted to go see a film yesterday so we went to see Tintin. I have been excited to see this film since hearing Simon Pegg and Nick Frost would be Thompson and Thomson. I am a big fan of Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, and Edgar Wright. I also have fond memories of watching Tintin the cartoon as a child.
I also love Tintin's dog Snowy, how effing awesome is that dog? I sort of feel bad for all the parents who took their kids to see that film because every one of them is going to leave that theater wanting a freaking dog. They will, I know because I want one.
I however, have 23 years of wanting a dog under my belt as opposed to some little kid wanting one for a week and a half.
I feel like a dog would be good to have in some respects because it would want more from me than my rats do. (I have 3 and I love them to bits but its not quite the same) Perhaps I have this romanticized (figuratively, of course) idea of what having a dog would be like. The idea of having a friend who would be undyingly loyal and who would love you unconditionally regardless of who I was. Maybe I secretly hope that having a dog would be like having Snowy. We would have adventures and I wouldn't need to have him on a lead and he would be extremely well behaved and my best friend. Realistically I know it wouldn't be exactly like this, atleast not right away, but I could hope and dream right?
Someday I'll be able to get a dog but I know I can't until I'm better able to support myself. I'd need to have a job that I can support myself with, pay my rent and buy groceries without being afraid I might not have another paycheck coming. Live in a place that isn't too expensive and I'm not afraid I might get kicked out of. I have enough fears of what I might have to pay in regards to doctor's fees. Things that OHIP or my benefits might not cover. It would be completely irresponsible to get a dog and not have money I could pay to a vet in the event that that dog got sick.
Until the day I am working in a career I am happy with and a little more stable health-wise and financially; I cannot have that kind of companion to depend on me for the necessities of life.
Man I want an effin dog though.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Dinners and Boxing Day
I guess I should update again since I seem to be following a pattern of about once a week.
It isn't that I don't enjoy doing this (I do) I just... forget... a lot. Perhaps its because I'm still fairly new to this blogging thing, updating hasn't become a habit yet.
Hold on a second...
Okay I'm back, yesterday I bought a fist-full of new dvds so I had to put one on. (Bloodsport, if you're curious) I'll talk more about that later.
Okay I'm back, yesterday I bought a fist-full of new dvds so I had to put one on. (Bloodsport, if you're curious) I'll talk more about that later.
A few days ago I was hanging with one of my buddies (I'm going to call him Noah because I got tired of writing "my buddy" all the time) and he invited me to his family's Christmas Eve get together. I'm out to his Mum and Step-dad and they're really cool about it. They even introduced me to rest of his family as John. It was a great meal and a better way to spend an evening than at home alone with the cat.
Christmas Day I spent at work all day, I cleaned doors for hours and then had to crash at work because I was on call for the rest of the 24 hours I was scheduled. There are a stupid amount of doors at that place and because I had to squat to clean the lower parts of all of them; I ended up doing almost 200 squats over the course of the day. When I woke up yesterday morning I walked around like I was John Wayne for a couple of hours! The muscles in my thighs are still tight from it. Its probably a sign I should probably work out my legs more.
After working virtually alone for 24hours I was pretty starved for some human interaction and playing Call Of Duty: MW3 wasn't cutting it. (By the way, I am AWFUL at multi-player, atleast in comparison to everyone else who is online.) I texted Noah to see what he was doing and we ended up braving the malls to grab some sweet deals.
I got a super warm sweater for about $30 less than it normally goes for. Noah got a sweet jacket and I was sorta jealous that it fit him so well. I sometimes get jealous when I see people who look the way I feel I should, or the way I want to... flat chests and facial hair. Usually I'm okay but sometimes it gets me down. I've talked to Noah about it before and he gets it. I feel like I can talk to him about almost anything and he gets it. He's just on of those guys.
Anyways he saved a but load of money on that sweet jacket and we bought some $3 dvds.
Anyways he saved a but load of money on that sweet jacket and we bought some $3 dvds.
I have a problem when it comes to dvds. I love movies, all kinds of them. Noah loves them too.
I bought:
Bloodsport
Tango & Cash
Insomnia
and The Time Machine
I bought:
Bloodsport
Tango & Cash
Insomnia
and The Time Machine
Noah bought Space Jam.
After blowing some cash we grabbed some food and headed to his place where he made me watch Yes Man. Which was pretty hilarious, and sort of makes you want to try new things.
Speaking of new things; before my roommates left for their homes they invited me to a strip club.
Speaking of new things; before my roommates left for their homes they invited me to a strip club.
I had never been to one before and I was very reluctant to go when they first asked. I thought about it for a little bit and decided "what the hell?! I'll go because I've never been and if I didn't like it I wouldn't have to go again." It wasn't so bad and we had a good time regardless of the quality & quantity of naked ladies. Have I mentioned my roommates are a couple? They have been together for about 4 years and they took ME to a strip club... BOTH of them. Weird...
Fun Fact: I find nice legs VERY attractive.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Phone Calls and Christmas Cards
Last week I called my Ex's mother. I just wanted to wish her family a merry Christmas because other than my family hers was the only one I've ever spent Christmas with and I spent 2 with them. I have never even spent it alone until this year.
Yesterday and today I received 2 cards in the mail. The first was from her mother and aunt and uncle. They also sent me a gift card which was highly unnecessary. The second was from her sister. It also contained a gift card to Timmie's.
My roommates saw me tear up twice in 2 days because of these. I feel like a huge sook. I'm really going to miss them this year. I really feel as though I have an extended family through my Ex (atleast on her mother's side) and I was worried I was going to lose them once we had broken up.
Her step-mother however is a different case. When my Ex told her step-mother about us her step-mother said "this doesn't surprise me at all, I never thought you'd end up with a man" (at this time I was still going by female although my Ex and I had talked about how I felt) After a few months of being separated (and quite a few months of going by male pronouns amongst friends) and my Ex was going to visit her dad and step-mother I told my Ex "Don't let her tell you that she never saw you ending up with a woman anyways" My Ex texted me before she was going to bed that night and said that that was exactly what her step-mom had told her that day. I was so pissed.
I can't stand it when people tell you things like that. Like they "knew you would be a lesbian" or "gay" or "trans" or any of those things. No one can tell you that they knew you would be a certain way. They may think they can so they can put you into a little box that helps them understand the world better but no one can label you.
You can try to label yourself but I think you'll find that things will change. Your tastes, your hobbies, your preferences, your hair colour or maybe even your gender.
Anyways I got side-tracked. Things that I am thankful for this year: My family, my Ex's family for still being so welcoming and loving, my friend's family for asking if I would be joining them out of the city for Christmas (sorry guys I have to work Christmas Day) and for another friend who asked his Aunt if it would be okay if he brought a friend on Christmas Eve. I really appreciate it. I mean, I'll have to break it to my roomie's cat that I can't spend the night with him ordering Swiss Challet and watching HIMYM but I think he'll understand. I'll spend my Boxing Day with him instead.
Yesterday and today I received 2 cards in the mail. The first was from her mother and aunt and uncle. They also sent me a gift card which was highly unnecessary. The second was from her sister. It also contained a gift card to Timmie's.
My roommates saw me tear up twice in 2 days because of these. I feel like a huge sook. I'm really going to miss them this year. I really feel as though I have an extended family through my Ex (atleast on her mother's side) and I was worried I was going to lose them once we had broken up.
Her step-mother however is a different case. When my Ex told her step-mother about us her step-mother said "this doesn't surprise me at all, I never thought you'd end up with a man" (at this time I was still going by female although my Ex and I had talked about how I felt) After a few months of being separated (and quite a few months of going by male pronouns amongst friends) and my Ex was going to visit her dad and step-mother I told my Ex "Don't let her tell you that she never saw you ending up with a woman anyways" My Ex texted me before she was going to bed that night and said that that was exactly what her step-mom had told her that day. I was so pissed.
I can't stand it when people tell you things like that. Like they "knew you would be a lesbian" or "gay" or "trans" or any of those things. No one can tell you that they knew you would be a certain way. They may think they can so they can put you into a little box that helps them understand the world better but no one can label you.
You can try to label yourself but I think you'll find that things will change. Your tastes, your hobbies, your preferences, your hair colour or maybe even your gender.
Anyways I got side-tracked. Things that I am thankful for this year: My family, my Ex's family for still being so welcoming and loving, my friend's family for asking if I would be joining them out of the city for Christmas (sorry guys I have to work Christmas Day) and for another friend who asked his Aunt if it would be okay if he brought a friend on Christmas Eve. I really appreciate it. I mean, I'll have to break it to my roomie's cat that I can't spend the night with him ordering Swiss Challet and watching HIMYM but I think he'll understand. I'll spend my Boxing Day with him instead.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Train Rides with Drunken Acquaintances
After a couple of very trying days at work; Saturday finally rolled around and I was invited to go to a buddy's shop to give him a hand with a project he was working on. I'm always super excited when I can go to his place because I get to work on some pretty neat things and I don't always have the space or tools to do it at home.
Yesterday he needed a hand with seaming some rubber props for a musical thats coming to Toronto relatively soon which was very exciting and surprisingly dusty work, although much work is that involves sanding. I only have a couple pictures from yesterday but I'll post them on my other blog as to avoid confusion. My other blog is my SFX blog.
It was a long day in the shop but ultimately very rewarding. I left TO very late and I was super cold and had been working out in the shop all day which wasn't very much warmer than outside. By the time I was leaving I was done for the day and just wanted to crash into my nice warm bed. I got to Union and watched my train home pull away without me. I decided since I had an hour to kill that I would get some McDonald's french fries even though I had already had dinner at the prop shop. I stepped into the line-up and was only a couple people away from the counter when an announcement came over the loudspeaker and said there would be another train home on the platform that would be leaving shortly.
I thought 'forget the fries, home is more important right now and I don't want to wait an hour for another train after this one!'
I headed to the platform hopped on the train and sat by the doors waiting eagerly for the doors to close so that I could be on my way. I was all set for a boring lonely train ride home, I had my book (Ender's Game) I had my mp3 player (Zune, Don't laugh you jerk!) all that was missing was the hot chocolate I had planned on getting from the Tim Horton's on Bay st except it was closed when I got there! I sat on the train about to take my mp3 player out of my bag when these 2 guys got on the train with their fists full of McD bags. One of them (lets call him Jim) recognized me from working at their College and was super stoked about it. He introduced me to his friend (Ron) and they both sat down across from me. Jim offered me some of his french fries and then began to eat 4 hamburgers as only someone with the drunk munchies can. Jim told me how they had been to a friend's birthday and he had met his future wife there. We chatted about when he should call or text her and about HIMYM and Breaking Bad. All in all it was a much more entertaining train ride home than I had expected. I ended up walking home with them (we all lived along the same road) instead of catching a cab like a lazy person who had found $20 on the ground. That made it a much longer and colder trip home but the company is what makes things worth while sometimes. We passed Jim's apartment and said so long. He hugged Ron and kissed him on both cheeks, Ron grabbed his ass. Then Jim hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. I didn't kiss him back and he jokingly got offended. I think its important to note that this was only the second time I had met Jim and both times he had been "hammed out of his mind" as he so eloquently put it. Ron was a lot quieter the rest of the way home but was good company none-the-less, also it turns out we live in the same building so that was kinda cool too.
Another thing I've been realizing is, Just because you have a male name doesn't mean people are going to use male pronouns. I go by John at work, and I plan to make that my middle name. (I'm not sure how T will effect my face or body type so I figure maybe I'll decide on a first name later) Jim knew me from my place of work and knew me as John but proceeded to call me "She" for the duration of the night. I think if I ever see him sober I will correct him, but we'll see how that goes.
Yesterday he needed a hand with seaming some rubber props for a musical thats coming to Toronto relatively soon which was very exciting and surprisingly dusty work, although much work is that involves sanding. I only have a couple pictures from yesterday but I'll post them on my other blog as to avoid confusion. My other blog is my SFX blog.
It was a long day in the shop but ultimately very rewarding. I left TO very late and I was super cold and had been working out in the shop all day which wasn't very much warmer than outside. By the time I was leaving I was done for the day and just wanted to crash into my nice warm bed. I got to Union and watched my train home pull away without me. I decided since I had an hour to kill that I would get some McDonald's french fries even though I had already had dinner at the prop shop. I stepped into the line-up and was only a couple people away from the counter when an announcement came over the loudspeaker and said there would be another train home on the platform that would be leaving shortly.
I thought 'forget the fries, home is more important right now and I don't want to wait an hour for another train after this one!'
I headed to the platform hopped on the train and sat by the doors waiting eagerly for the doors to close so that I could be on my way. I was all set for a boring lonely train ride home, I had my book (Ender's Game) I had my mp3 player (Zune, Don't laugh you jerk!) all that was missing was the hot chocolate I had planned on getting from the Tim Horton's on Bay st except it was closed when I got there! I sat on the train about to take my mp3 player out of my bag when these 2 guys got on the train with their fists full of McD bags. One of them (lets call him Jim) recognized me from working at their College and was super stoked about it. He introduced me to his friend (Ron) and they both sat down across from me. Jim offered me some of his french fries and then began to eat 4 hamburgers as only someone with the drunk munchies can. Jim told me how they had been to a friend's birthday and he had met his future wife there. We chatted about when he should call or text her and about HIMYM and Breaking Bad. All in all it was a much more entertaining train ride home than I had expected. I ended up walking home with them (we all lived along the same road) instead of catching a cab like a lazy person who had found $20 on the ground. That made it a much longer and colder trip home but the company is what makes things worth while sometimes. We passed Jim's apartment and said so long. He hugged Ron and kissed him on both cheeks, Ron grabbed his ass. Then Jim hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. I didn't kiss him back and he jokingly got offended. I think its important to note that this was only the second time I had met Jim and both times he had been "hammed out of his mind" as he so eloquently put it. Ron was a lot quieter the rest of the way home but was good company none-the-less, also it turns out we live in the same building so that was kinda cool too.
Another thing I've been realizing is, Just because you have a male name doesn't mean people are going to use male pronouns. I go by John at work, and I plan to make that my middle name. (I'm not sure how T will effect my face or body type so I figure maybe I'll decide on a first name later) Jim knew me from my place of work and knew me as John but proceeded to call me "She" for the duration of the night. I think if I ever see him sober I will correct him, but we'll see how that goes.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
HIMYM and Christmas
Christmas is coming!
And I am discovering that the amount of time I spend watching How I Met Your Mother is in direct correlation to how down I feel and how much comforting I need.
One day I did not get out of bed except to go to the bathroom and go to work. I watched hours of HIMYM before work and then came home and watched more.
I've been feeling pretty low lately.
I love How I Met Your Mother. Its a great comedy with just enough drama. The characters are personable and identifiable. There's a little bit of all of them in all of us and we see a little bit of all of them in all of our friends.
We listen to Ted tell his kids about living in New York in his late 20s and early 30s and he comes so close to meeting their mother. We're welcomed into his stories like we were another of his kids; a part of Ted's family. Marshall, Lilly, Barney and Robin are our friends and our Aunts and Uncles. There aren't many shows out now that you can escape to and can make you tear up, hold your breath, or laugh until you're crying and can't breathe. This one does it for me, and right now I think its what I need.
I hate to admit it but I think I am missing my ex.
When I try and put things into perspective, I realize we were only together for a year and a half or so. It doesn't sound like a long time but it was for me.
A lot happened while I was dating/living with her. I spent 2 Christmases with her and her family (I'm not welcome at mine) After we broke up I didn't have enough money to move so we ended up living together for another 8 months. It was really hard to do. I don't know if you've ever tried to live with someone platonicly when you still love them but it felt like being forced into an open relationship. Essentially you have permission to do whatever you want with whoever you want and the other person has no real say in the matter because you aren't together anymore. I dreaded the day that she would start to see someone else. I reached new depths I didn't know were possible. I was angry at myself and the situation I let myself get into and the truth is there was some self-harm. By the way, I have always felt like self-harm was a big load of bullshit and a complete waste of time and I still do. I hate that I didn't have the strength to channel that anger and pain into something more productive. I blamed myself for the failure of our relationship, I blamed myself for destroying the future we could make together. As it turns out I have left myself with some badges that will always remind me of that time.
I suppose I miss the good times with her more than I miss her. The more I think about our relationship the more I realize she wasn't the one.
I didn't feel supported enough in my decisions, and when I came out to her (as a Transman) I feel like she shied away.
When you've avoided letting people close, or haven't felt able to let people near you because you've been uncomfortable with how people perceive you or uncomfortable with your body, and you're finally comfortable enough with someone; its a huge thing letting them in both emotionally and physically. When I told her how I felt about being a man and thinking about the steps I would have to take, I feel like she became uncomfortable with me. Like she didn't know how to treat me and stopped being comfortable/physical with me because she didn't want to make me uncomfortable.
I lost someone very close to me, closer than I'd ever let anyone get before. I don't know when/if I'll ever be able to let someone that close again, because I wouldn't ever want to make someone as uncomfortable as she got.
So yeah, Christmas is coming, and because I don't have a special someone to share it with; I took a 24hr shift on Christmas Eve. I plan on stocking up on ice cream and watching as much HIMYM as I can stand.
I didn't mean for this post to be such a downer but there were some thoughts in there that needed to be formed into coherent sentences and spilled out somewhere.
And I am discovering that the amount of time I spend watching How I Met Your Mother is in direct correlation to how down I feel and how much comforting I need.
One day I did not get out of bed except to go to the bathroom and go to work. I watched hours of HIMYM before work and then came home and watched more.
I've been feeling pretty low lately.
I love How I Met Your Mother. Its a great comedy with just enough drama. The characters are personable and identifiable. There's a little bit of all of them in all of us and we see a little bit of all of them in all of our friends.
We listen to Ted tell his kids about living in New York in his late 20s and early 30s and he comes so close to meeting their mother. We're welcomed into his stories like we were another of his kids; a part of Ted's family. Marshall, Lilly, Barney and Robin are our friends and our Aunts and Uncles. There aren't many shows out now that you can escape to and can make you tear up, hold your breath, or laugh until you're crying and can't breathe. This one does it for me, and right now I think its what I need.
When I try and put things into perspective, I realize we were only together for a year and a half or so. It doesn't sound like a long time but it was for me.
A lot happened while I was dating/living with her. I spent 2 Christmases with her and her family (I'm not welcome at mine) After we broke up I didn't have enough money to move so we ended up living together for another 8 months. It was really hard to do. I don't know if you've ever tried to live with someone platonicly when you still love them but it felt like being forced into an open relationship. Essentially you have permission to do whatever you want with whoever you want and the other person has no real say in the matter because you aren't together anymore. I dreaded the day that she would start to see someone else. I reached new depths I didn't know were possible. I was angry at myself and the situation I let myself get into and the truth is there was some self-harm. By the way, I have always felt like self-harm was a big load of bullshit and a complete waste of time and I still do. I hate that I didn't have the strength to channel that anger and pain into something more productive. I blamed myself for the failure of our relationship, I blamed myself for destroying the future we could make together. As it turns out I have left myself with some badges that will always remind me of that time.
I suppose I miss the good times with her more than I miss her. The more I think about our relationship the more I realize she wasn't the one.
I didn't feel supported enough in my decisions, and when I came out to her (as a Transman) I feel like she shied away.
When you've avoided letting people close, or haven't felt able to let people near you because you've been uncomfortable with how people perceive you or uncomfortable with your body, and you're finally comfortable enough with someone; its a huge thing letting them in both emotionally and physically. When I told her how I felt about being a man and thinking about the steps I would have to take, I feel like she became uncomfortable with me. Like she didn't know how to treat me and stopped being comfortable/physical with me because she didn't want to make me uncomfortable.
I lost someone very close to me, closer than I'd ever let anyone get before. I don't know when/if I'll ever be able to let someone that close again, because I wouldn't ever want to make someone as uncomfortable as she got.
So yeah, Christmas is coming, and because I don't have a special someone to share it with; I took a 24hr shift on Christmas Eve. I plan on stocking up on ice cream and watching as much HIMYM as I can stand.
I didn't mean for this post to be such a downer but there were some thoughts in there that needed to be formed into coherent sentences and spilled out somewhere.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Crazy Week
Alright, so some new things have happened and perhaps they're the kinds of things that'll be appropriate to share with strangers. Chances are, they are not. That's okay though, only friends are reading the blog at this stage anyways right?
Right?...
1. Last Thursday I started going to the gym. Well... sort of. At work we have what's called a "Wellness Room" which consists of a treadmill, 2 ellipticals and about 4 machines whose names I am unsure of. One of them is a Press I suppose... if it had a bench it would be a Bench Press, but instead it uses a sitting position. Another one is a Triceps Extender. (surprisingly hard. I had no idea that I had never used those muscles before in my life. I assume that because it hurt like hell and I could only manage 3 sets of 12 reps of 2lbs WTF) Another machine is that one where you exercise your chest muscles and arms. You know the one. Lastly there is a leg one... I don't use that one cuz it looks dumb. Yeah! Honesty! For the past week I've been at the gym every second day for about 2 hours. I suppose I'll keep doing it until I find a smoother routine.
2. I made some calls and on Wednesday had a phone interview with a center that has agreed to put me on a wait list to see a therapist! The only thing is the wait list is about 3-5 months long. Woo! but at least I'm on it now.
3. I haven't really spoken with my mum for a couple of months. No real reason, I just haven't really done it and she was away for a while in NFLD with my dad to sort out my Nan's issues. (long and complicated. a story for a different post)
ANYWAYS Thursday my mum e-mailed me to update me on what has been going on in her life since we last talked. Here is an idea of what's happened: a. My dad had blood work done and was diagnosed with mild type II diabetes. (btw my dad and I do not talk, and haven't for about 24 months) b. a day later my mum was hospitalized with a fever and was on IV antibiotics for a week, and c. my mum will be having minor surgery on her face just under her eye to have a(n unspecified) spot removed.
I read this and was like "WHAT THE $#!T ?!? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN AND WHY WAS I NOT PHONED!? MY CELL STILL GODDAMN WORKS PEOPLE, YOU PAY FOR IT STILL!!" I was very frustrated and I still have not e-mailed her back... I have not planned out what I was going to say. In a way I can see not being told about my mother being in the hospital because my dad wouldn't go out of his way to fat-finger my number into his phone especially since we aren't talking but still! there are other people who could have let me know! /sigh
so that has been my week. Not including making this blog of course. I think I did that Monday or something. TODAY I get to hang out with some good friends and we're going to go catch The Muppets! Woo!
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get dressed because I can't go to a movie in just my Star Wars underpants.
p.s. my roommate wanted me to add that while I was writing this, she brought me raspberry sherbert and pocky, and that she thinks she's the best roommate ever.
Right?...
1. Last Thursday I started going to the gym. Well... sort of. At work we have what's called a "Wellness Room" which consists of a treadmill, 2 ellipticals and about 4 machines whose names I am unsure of. One of them is a Press I suppose... if it had a bench it would be a Bench Press, but instead it uses a sitting position. Another one is a Triceps Extender. (surprisingly hard. I had no idea that I had never used those muscles before in my life. I assume that because it hurt like hell and I could only manage 3 sets of 12 reps of 2lbs WTF) Another machine is that one where you exercise your chest muscles and arms. You know the one. Lastly there is a leg one... I don't use that one cuz it looks dumb. Yeah! Honesty! For the past week I've been at the gym every second day for about 2 hours. I suppose I'll keep doing it until I find a smoother routine.
2. I made some calls and on Wednesday had a phone interview with a center that has agreed to put me on a wait list to see a therapist! The only thing is the wait list is about 3-5 months long. Woo! but at least I'm on it now.
3. I haven't really spoken with my mum for a couple of months. No real reason, I just haven't really done it and she was away for a while in NFLD with my dad to sort out my Nan's issues. (long and complicated. a story for a different post)
ANYWAYS Thursday my mum e-mailed me to update me on what has been going on in her life since we last talked. Here is an idea of what's happened: a. My dad had blood work done and was diagnosed with mild type II diabetes. (btw my dad and I do not talk, and haven't for about 24 months) b. a day later my mum was hospitalized with a fever and was on IV antibiotics for a week, and c. my mum will be having minor surgery on her face just under her eye to have a(n unspecified) spot removed.
I read this and was like "WHAT THE $#!T ?!? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN AND WHY WAS I NOT PHONED!? MY CELL STILL GODDAMN WORKS PEOPLE, YOU PAY FOR IT STILL!!" I was very frustrated and I still have not e-mailed her back... I have not planned out what I was going to say. In a way I can see not being told about my mother being in the hospital because my dad wouldn't go out of his way to fat-finger my number into his phone especially since we aren't talking but still! there are other people who could have let me know! /sigh
so that has been my week. Not including making this blog of course. I think I did that Monday or something. TODAY I get to hang out with some good friends and we're going to go catch The Muppets! Woo!
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get dressed because I can't go to a movie in just my Star Wars underpants.
p.s. my roommate wanted me to add that while I was writing this, she brought me raspberry sherbert and pocky, and that she thinks she's the best roommate ever.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Finicky-y
Probably a temporary post to see if I can figure out how to enable comments...
I have them on my other blog... Blerg!
Wait here, I'll be right back.
I have them on my other blog... Blerg!
Wait here, I'll be right back.
.
.
.
.
.
So it appears that comments cannot be left on the very first blog post.
Strange, eh?
Monday, November 21, 2011
The Beginning
This'll be quick. I just wanted to post something so I had a better idea of how things would show up on this page after I start messing around with the design.
Sometimes you get an idea in your head and it becomes the most important thing for the few minutes it takes from conceiving the idea and executing the idea. I have had the idea of writing a blog for a few months now but today it took hold of me and would not let me sleep. A fact made more unfortunate because I happen to be working nights and it is hard enough to sleep during the day in the land of the living.
I am not a particularly skillful writer. In fact my grades in high school English were fairly mediocre. So be aware this is not going to be some fantastic work the likes of which the world has not seen since Orson Scott Card or Philip K. Dick. Actually this blog will be mostly non-fiction and with a healthy dose of hyperbole like any entertaining blog.
I know this blog will not speak to everyone. I know this blog will not reach many people (if any at all) for quite some time. My hope is not to have some super successful internet-sensation with followers and fans from around the world and in all walks of life. Although it might be a little more fun to know people are reading; I feel like that would put a lot of expectations on me and I don't think that more stress is what I need. What I do need is a place to express my thoughts, share some art, vent some frustrations and open up a bit more. Perhaps sharing with the anonymity of the internet will lend me the freedom to do so. Maybe my thoughts on my situation will help someone else who has found this page.
I am Transitioning. FtoM.
Maybe you are too, or maybe you are MtoF, or maybe you have a friend who is/has/will be. Maybe you just have some gay friends or are gay yourself. Maybe you're just curious. You could be any number of things, and that's okay too.
If you think this blog might help you, or someone you know, please share it. Feel free to comment too. I'd love to hear your thoughts. I hope to keep this a friendly, supportive and understanding place.
If you've found it; it's called Y Not? Being an X-man.
I'll explain why I chose this.
Speaking by way of chromosomes (btw: a subject on which I am no expert)
XX - Two "X" chromosomes denotes a female.
XY - One "X" and one "Y" denotes a male.
And if you're living in the Marvel Universe, a third "X" or a second "X" respectively, would mean you were a mutant and therefore awesome but persecuted. (X-Men)
Y is also a question on its own. "Why?"
Why was I born the way I was? Why do I feel wrong in my own body? Why was I born without this "Y" chromosome? Why am I a male inside a woman's body?
Tongue planted firmly in cheek: Does this finally make me an X-Man?
Sometimes you get an idea in your head and it becomes the most important thing for the few minutes it takes from conceiving the idea and executing the idea. I have had the idea of writing a blog for a few months now but today it took hold of me and would not let me sleep. A fact made more unfortunate because I happen to be working nights and it is hard enough to sleep during the day in the land of the living.
I am not a particularly skillful writer. In fact my grades in high school English were fairly mediocre. So be aware this is not going to be some fantastic work the likes of which the world has not seen since Orson Scott Card or Philip K. Dick. Actually this blog will be mostly non-fiction and with a healthy dose of hyperbole like any entertaining blog.
I know this blog will not speak to everyone. I know this blog will not reach many people (if any at all) for quite some time. My hope is not to have some super successful internet-sensation with followers and fans from around the world and in all walks of life. Although it might be a little more fun to know people are reading; I feel like that would put a lot of expectations on me and I don't think that more stress is what I need. What I do need is a place to express my thoughts, share some art, vent some frustrations and open up a bit more. Perhaps sharing with the anonymity of the internet will lend me the freedom to do so. Maybe my thoughts on my situation will help someone else who has found this page.
I am Transitioning. FtoM.
Maybe you are too, or maybe you are MtoF, or maybe you have a friend who is/has/will be. Maybe you just have some gay friends or are gay yourself. Maybe you're just curious. You could be any number of things, and that's okay too.
If you think this blog might help you, or someone you know, please share it. Feel free to comment too. I'd love to hear your thoughts. I hope to keep this a friendly, supportive and understanding place.
If you've found it; it's called Y Not? Being an X-man.
I'll explain why I chose this.
Speaking by way of chromosomes (btw: a subject on which I am no expert)
XX - Two "X" chromosomes denotes a female.
XY - One "X" and one "Y" denotes a male.
And if you're living in the Marvel Universe, a third "X" or a second "X" respectively, would mean you were a mutant and therefore awesome but persecuted. (X-Men)
Y is also a question on its own. "Why?"
Why was I born the way I was? Why do I feel wrong in my own body? Why was I born without this "Y" chromosome? Why am I a male inside a woman's body?
Tongue planted firmly in cheek: Does this finally make me an X-Man?
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