Bad at Updating

Alright. I'm awful at it.
Infact not only am I awful at updating, I don't feel like I'm very good at writing in the first place so why did I even think that starting a blog was a good idea?

I didn't really. I don't particularly like writing (mostly because I don't feel I'm very good at it) also I find it more difficult than talking out loud. That I'm an expert at. I could run my mouth all day if you let me and there was someone to pretend to listen. I sort of started this blog at the suggestion of my therapist who thought it could be a useful tool in venting frustrations or analysing some of my feelings about transitioning. I think it can be; for some people. People who are drawn to writing as a tool of expression to begin with. I, however, consider myself to be a visual artist. What that means in my case is; I can paint or sculpt or draw or be generally arty and creative or destructive depending on what the job calls for, heck I can write informally too if its just casual like this and I'm trying to avoid doing something that might in some way be emotionally taxing like I am doing right now. That is until I'm told I should write something.

I am currently supposed to be writing a "Written life story regarding my gender identity history and goals" I cannot begin to describe how frustrating it is for me to be requested to write something. This just feels like I need to qualify how feel about myself to prove to "the powers that decide" that I should be taken seriously about my needs to transition and that am seeking top surgery and need assistance attaining it because medical fees are expensive if you go to a private surgeon to have this procedure done but if I go through "the powers that decide" and they decide "yes" then I can have the government pay for this for me which means I can continue to pay the government what little money I have for letting me go to college so I can have enough education to have an entry level full-time job in a field I didn't go to school for so I could pay the bills.

That being said this life story thing is essentially what I've told my therapist and only a small handful of people. I wouldn't even say a handful really... my therapist... one close friend... my ex... No one really knows as much about my childhood except for my therapist and one of my close friends. Some other close friends know bits and pieces but no one knows everything like I do and its really hard telling people those things because they have been kept hidden and quiet and ignored and buried for so long because they are hard to deal with. And mine to deal with. They aren't for other people. I don't like... asking for help. I deal with my own burdens because I don't feel its fair for other people to have to deal with mine as well as their own.

I realise it seems a little hypocritical to then go asking "the powers that decide" for help but I don't feel like I really have a choice. I need the ability to just... be. To not have to explain to people why I feel the way I do or how I knew I was trans-man or whats in my underpants or be mistaken for being a really impressive trans-woman. I just want to exist and be comfortable with my body and until I pass I will have to continually qualify my existence.
The truth is it was transition or shut down completely. I was becoming a shell. Someone else. Someone who existed but had no insides. Hollow.

So I guess I will have to explain to "the powers that decide" just like I explain to every well-meaning, ill-informed, curious, sheltered person who asks.

"Oh... your name is John? I've never met a girl named John before. Is that short for something?"

"John huh? I've noticed a lot of girls are going by the male short-form of their names now a days. What's your full name?"

"Yeah but what's your real name?"

"I'm sorry I'm going to have to ask you to leave the men's room. you can't be in here. Leave the men's room or leave the bar. What does your ID say?"

"So... like... do you have a penis?"

"Do you think you'll get the surgery?"

"Wow, you used to be a boy? Cuz you're like... really pretty!" (I would like to say "fuck you" on behalf of Trans-women, you ignorant cow!)

"Why would you want to be a boy when you are so pretty as a girl?"

"This is a man's haircut. I will give you a similar ladies' haircut. Very pretty, you would make some boy very happy. Boys like girls with short hair."

"You know your... johnson right? Isn't it true you could just... get one as big as you like? Why wouldn't you just do that? I mean... why would you want a small one??"


By the way, as of August 21st I started T and have been on it for 16 weeks. I am still misgendered fairly regularly but the other day at the mall my cashier at Tim Horton's called me "Miss" and then called me "Sir" for the rest of my order and the guy in the HMV called me "man" and "dude". I'm fairly sure I've begun passing on the phone, hopefully I'll be able to find my mic for my XBox soon and I'll be able to put that theory to the test on XBL.

P.S. - My girlfriend is awesome!

Phone Calls and Christmas Cards

Last week I called my Ex's mother. I just wanted to wish her family a merry Christmas because other than my family hers was the only one I've ever spent Christmas with and I spent 2 with them. I have never even spent it alone until this year.

Yesterday and today I received 2 cards in the mail. The first was from her mother and aunt and uncle. They also sent me a gift card which was highly unnecessary. The second was from her sister. It also contained a gift card to Timmie's.

My roommates saw me tear up twice in 2 days because of these. I feel like a huge sook. I'm really going to miss them this year. I really feel as though I have an extended family through my Ex (atleast on her mother's side) and I was worried I was going to lose them once we had broken up.

Her step-mother however is a different case. When my Ex told her step-mother about us her step-mother said "this doesn't surprise me at all, I never thought you'd end up with a man" (at this time I was still going by female although my Ex and I had talked about how I felt) After a few months of being separated (and quite a few months of going by male pronouns amongst friends) and my Ex was going to visit her dad and step-mother I told my Ex "Don't let her tell you that she never saw you ending up with a woman anyways" My Ex texted me before she was going to bed that night and said that that was exactly what her step-mom had told her that day. I was so pissed.
I can't stand it when people tell you things like that. Like they "knew you would be a lesbian" or "gay" or "trans" or any of those things. No one can tell you that they knew you would be a certain way. They may think they can so they can put you into a little box that helps them understand the world better but no one can label you.

You can try to label yourself but I think you'll find that things will change. Your tastes, your hobbies, your preferences, your hair colour or maybe even your gender.

Anyways I got side-tracked. Things that I am thankful for this year: My family, my Ex's family for still being so welcoming and loving, my friend's family for asking if I would be joining them out of the city for Christmas (sorry guys I have to work Christmas Day) and for another friend who asked his Aunt if it would be okay if he brought a friend on Christmas Eve. I really appreciate it. I mean, I'll have to break it to my roomie's cat that I can't spend the night with him ordering Swiss Challet and watching HIMYM but I think he'll understand. I'll spend my Boxing Day with him instead.