Alright. I'm awful at it.
Infact not only am I awful at updating, I don't feel like I'm very good at writing in the first place so why did I even think that starting a blog was a good idea?
I didn't really. I don't particularly like writing (mostly because I don't feel I'm very good at it) also I find it more difficult than talking out loud. That I'm an expert at. I could run my mouth all day if you let me and there was someone to pretend to listen. I sort of started this blog at the suggestion of my therapist who thought it could be a useful tool in venting frustrations or analysing some of my feelings about transitioning. I think it can be; for some people. People who are drawn to writing as a tool of expression to begin with. I, however, consider myself to be a visual artist. What that means in my case is; I can paint or sculpt or draw or be generally arty and creative or destructive depending on what the job calls for, heck I can write informally too if its just casual like this and I'm trying to avoid doing something that might in some way be emotionally taxing like I am doing right now. That is until I'm told I should write something.
I am currently supposed to be writing a "Written life story regarding my gender identity history and goals" I cannot begin to describe how frustrating it is for me to be requested to write something. This just feels like I need to qualify how feel about myself to prove to "the powers that decide" that I should be taken seriously about my needs to transition and that am seeking top surgery and need assistance attaining it because medical fees are expensive if you go to a private surgeon to have this procedure done but if I go through "the powers that decide" and they decide "yes" then I can have the government pay for this for me which means I can continue to pay the government what little money I have for letting me go to college so I can have enough education to have an entry level full-time job in a field I didn't go to school for so I could pay the bills.
That being said this life story thing is essentially what I've told my therapist and only a small handful of people. I wouldn't even say a handful really... my therapist... one close friend... my ex... No one really knows as much about my childhood except for my therapist and one of my close friends. Some other close friends know bits and pieces but no one knows everything like I do and its really hard telling people those things because they have been kept hidden and quiet and ignored and buried for so long because they are hard to deal with. And mine to deal with. They aren't for other people. I don't like... asking for help. I deal with my own burdens because I don't feel its fair for other people to have to deal with mine as well as their own.
I realise it seems a little hypocritical to then go asking "the powers that decide" for help but I don't feel like I really have a choice. I need the ability to just... be. To not have to explain to people why I feel the way I do or how I knew I was trans-man or whats in my underpants or be mistaken for being a really impressive trans-woman. I just want to exist and be comfortable with my body and until I pass I will have to continually qualify my existence.
The truth is it was transition or shut down completely. I was becoming a shell. Someone else. Someone who existed but had no insides. Hollow.
So I guess I will have to explain to "the powers that decide" just like I explain to every well-meaning, ill-informed, curious, sheltered person who asks.
"Oh... your name is John? I've never met a girl named John before. Is that short for something?"
"John huh? I've noticed a lot of girls are going by the male short-form of their names now a days. What's your full name?"
"Yeah but what's your real name?"
"I'm sorry I'm going to have to ask you to leave the men's room. you can't be in here. Leave the men's room or leave the bar. What does your ID say?"
"So... like... do you have a penis?"
"Do you think you'll get the surgery?"
"Wow, you used to be a boy? Cuz you're like... really pretty!" (I would like to say "fuck you" on behalf of Trans-women, you ignorant cow!)
"Why would you want to be a boy when you are so pretty as a girl?"
"This is a man's haircut. I will give you a similar ladies' haircut. Very pretty, you would make some boy very happy. Boys like girls with short hair."
"You know your... johnson right? Isn't it true you could just... get one as big as you like? Why wouldn't you just do that? I mean... why would you want a small one??"
By the way, as of August 21st I started T and have been on it for 16 weeks. I am still misgendered fairly regularly but the other day at the mall my cashier at Tim Horton's called me "Miss" and then called me "Sir" for the rest of my order and the guy in the HMV called me "man" and "dude". I'm fairly sure I've begun passing on the phone, hopefully I'll be able to find my mic for my XBox soon and I'll be able to put that theory to the test on XBL.
P.S. - My girlfriend is awesome!
Showing posts with label pronouns. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pronouns. Show all posts
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Train Rides with Drunken Acquaintances
After a couple of very trying days at work; Saturday finally rolled around and I was invited to go to a buddy's shop to give him a hand with a project he was working on. I'm always super excited when I can go to his place because I get to work on some pretty neat things and I don't always have the space or tools to do it at home.
Yesterday he needed a hand with seaming some rubber props for a musical thats coming to Toronto relatively soon which was very exciting and surprisingly dusty work, although much work is that involves sanding. I only have a couple pictures from yesterday but I'll post them on my other blog as to avoid confusion. My other blog is my SFX blog.
It was a long day in the shop but ultimately very rewarding. I left TO very late and I was super cold and had been working out in the shop all day which wasn't very much warmer than outside. By the time I was leaving I was done for the day and just wanted to crash into my nice warm bed. I got to Union and watched my train home pull away without me. I decided since I had an hour to kill that I would get some McDonald's french fries even though I had already had dinner at the prop shop. I stepped into the line-up and was only a couple people away from the counter when an announcement came over the loudspeaker and said there would be another train home on the platform that would be leaving shortly.
I thought 'forget the fries, home is more important right now and I don't want to wait an hour for another train after this one!'
I headed to the platform hopped on the train and sat by the doors waiting eagerly for the doors to close so that I could be on my way. I was all set for a boring lonely train ride home, I had my book (Ender's Game) I had my mp3 player (Zune, Don't laugh you jerk!) all that was missing was the hot chocolate I had planned on getting from the Tim Horton's on Bay st except it was closed when I got there! I sat on the train about to take my mp3 player out of my bag when these 2 guys got on the train with their fists full of McD bags. One of them (lets call him Jim) recognized me from working at their College and was super stoked about it. He introduced me to his friend (Ron) and they both sat down across from me. Jim offered me some of his french fries and then began to eat 4 hamburgers as only someone with the drunk munchies can. Jim told me how they had been to a friend's birthday and he had met his future wife there. We chatted about when he should call or text her and about HIMYM and Breaking Bad. All in all it was a much more entertaining train ride home than I had expected. I ended up walking home with them (we all lived along the same road) instead of catching a cab like a lazy person who had found $20 on the ground. That made it a much longer and colder trip home but the company is what makes things worth while sometimes. We passed Jim's apartment and said so long. He hugged Ron and kissed him on both cheeks, Ron grabbed his ass. Then Jim hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. I didn't kiss him back and he jokingly got offended. I think its important to note that this was only the second time I had met Jim and both times he had been "hammed out of his mind" as he so eloquently put it. Ron was a lot quieter the rest of the way home but was good company none-the-less, also it turns out we live in the same building so that was kinda cool too.
Another thing I've been realizing is, Just because you have a male name doesn't mean people are going to use male pronouns. I go by John at work, and I plan to make that my middle name. (I'm not sure how T will effect my face or body type so I figure maybe I'll decide on a first name later) Jim knew me from my place of work and knew me as John but proceeded to call me "She" for the duration of the night. I think if I ever see him sober I will correct him, but we'll see how that goes.
Yesterday he needed a hand with seaming some rubber props for a musical thats coming to Toronto relatively soon which was very exciting and surprisingly dusty work, although much work is that involves sanding. I only have a couple pictures from yesterday but I'll post them on my other blog as to avoid confusion. My other blog is my SFX blog.
It was a long day in the shop but ultimately very rewarding. I left TO very late and I was super cold and had been working out in the shop all day which wasn't very much warmer than outside. By the time I was leaving I was done for the day and just wanted to crash into my nice warm bed. I got to Union and watched my train home pull away without me. I decided since I had an hour to kill that I would get some McDonald's french fries even though I had already had dinner at the prop shop. I stepped into the line-up and was only a couple people away from the counter when an announcement came over the loudspeaker and said there would be another train home on the platform that would be leaving shortly.
I thought 'forget the fries, home is more important right now and I don't want to wait an hour for another train after this one!'
I headed to the platform hopped on the train and sat by the doors waiting eagerly for the doors to close so that I could be on my way. I was all set for a boring lonely train ride home, I had my book (Ender's Game) I had my mp3 player (Zune, Don't laugh you jerk!) all that was missing was the hot chocolate I had planned on getting from the Tim Horton's on Bay st except it was closed when I got there! I sat on the train about to take my mp3 player out of my bag when these 2 guys got on the train with their fists full of McD bags. One of them (lets call him Jim) recognized me from working at their College and was super stoked about it. He introduced me to his friend (Ron) and they both sat down across from me. Jim offered me some of his french fries and then began to eat 4 hamburgers as only someone with the drunk munchies can. Jim told me how they had been to a friend's birthday and he had met his future wife there. We chatted about when he should call or text her and about HIMYM and Breaking Bad. All in all it was a much more entertaining train ride home than I had expected. I ended up walking home with them (we all lived along the same road) instead of catching a cab like a lazy person who had found $20 on the ground. That made it a much longer and colder trip home but the company is what makes things worth while sometimes. We passed Jim's apartment and said so long. He hugged Ron and kissed him on both cheeks, Ron grabbed his ass. Then Jim hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. I didn't kiss him back and he jokingly got offended. I think its important to note that this was only the second time I had met Jim and both times he had been "hammed out of his mind" as he so eloquently put it. Ron was a lot quieter the rest of the way home but was good company none-the-less, also it turns out we live in the same building so that was kinda cool too.
Another thing I've been realizing is, Just because you have a male name doesn't mean people are going to use male pronouns. I go by John at work, and I plan to make that my middle name. (I'm not sure how T will effect my face or body type so I figure maybe I'll decide on a first name later) Jim knew me from my place of work and knew me as John but proceeded to call me "She" for the duration of the night. I think if I ever see him sober I will correct him, but we'll see how that goes.
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