Dinners and Boxing Day

I guess I should update again since I seem to be following a pattern of about once a week.

It isn't that I don't enjoy doing this (I do) I just... forget... a lot. Perhaps its because I'm still fairly new to this blogging thing, updating hasn't become a habit yet.

Hold on a second...

Okay I'm back, yesterday I bought a fist-full of new dvds so I had to put one on. (Bloodsport, if you're curious) I'll talk more about that later.

A few days ago I was hanging with one of my buddies (I'm going to call him Noah because I got tired of writing "my buddy" all the time) and he invited me to his family's Christmas Eve get together. I'm out to his Mum and Step-dad and they're really cool about it. They even introduced me to rest of his family as John. It was a great meal and a better way to spend an evening than at home alone with the cat.

Christmas Day I spent at work all day, I cleaned doors for hours and then had to crash at work because I was on call for the rest of the 24 hours I was scheduled. There are a stupid amount of doors at that place and because I had to squat to clean the lower parts of all of them; I ended up doing almost 200 squats over the course of the day. When I woke up yesterday morning I walked around like I was John Wayne for a couple of hours! The muscles in my thighs are still tight from it. Its probably a sign I should probably work out my legs more.

After working virtually alone for 24hours I was pretty starved for some human interaction and playing Call Of Duty: MW3 wasn't cutting it. (By the way, I am AWFUL at multi-player, atleast in comparison to everyone else who is online.) I texted Noah to see what he was doing and we ended up braving the malls to grab some sweet deals.

I got a super warm sweater for about $30 less than it normally goes for. Noah got a sweet jacket and I was sorta jealous that it fit him so well. I sometimes get jealous when I see people who look the way I feel I should, or the way I want to... flat chests and facial hair. Usually I'm okay but sometimes it gets me down. I've talked to Noah about it before and he gets it. I feel like I can talk to him about almost anything and he gets it. He's just on of those guys.
Anyways he saved a but load of money on that sweet jacket and we bought some $3 dvds.

I have a problem when it comes to dvds. I love movies, all kinds of them. Noah loves them too.
I bought:
Bloodsport
Tango & Cash
Insomnia
and The Time Machine

Noah bought Space Jam.

After blowing some cash we grabbed some food and headed to his place where he made me watch Yes Man. Which was pretty hilarious, and sort of makes you want to try new things.
Speaking of new things; before my roommates left for their homes they invited me to a strip club.

I had never been to one before and I was very reluctant to go when they first asked. I thought about it for a little bit and decided "what the hell?! I'll go because I've never been and if I didn't like it I wouldn't have to go again." It wasn't so bad and we had a good time regardless of the quality & quantity of naked ladies. Have I mentioned my roommates are a couple? They have been together for about 4 years and they took ME to a strip club... BOTH of them. Weird...

Fun Fact: I find nice legs VERY attractive.

You might want to turn your speakers down for this one.

Phone Calls and Christmas Cards

Last week I called my Ex's mother. I just wanted to wish her family a merry Christmas because other than my family hers was the only one I've ever spent Christmas with and I spent 2 with them. I have never even spent it alone until this year.

Yesterday and today I received 2 cards in the mail. The first was from her mother and aunt and uncle. They also sent me a gift card which was highly unnecessary. The second was from her sister. It also contained a gift card to Timmie's.

My roommates saw me tear up twice in 2 days because of these. I feel like a huge sook. I'm really going to miss them this year. I really feel as though I have an extended family through my Ex (atleast on her mother's side) and I was worried I was going to lose them once we had broken up.

Her step-mother however is a different case. When my Ex told her step-mother about us her step-mother said "this doesn't surprise me at all, I never thought you'd end up with a man" (at this time I was still going by female although my Ex and I had talked about how I felt) After a few months of being separated (and quite a few months of going by male pronouns amongst friends) and my Ex was going to visit her dad and step-mother I told my Ex "Don't let her tell you that she never saw you ending up with a woman anyways" My Ex texted me before she was going to bed that night and said that that was exactly what her step-mom had told her that day. I was so pissed.
I can't stand it when people tell you things like that. Like they "knew you would be a lesbian" or "gay" or "trans" or any of those things. No one can tell you that they knew you would be a certain way. They may think they can so they can put you into a little box that helps them understand the world better but no one can label you.

You can try to label yourself but I think you'll find that things will change. Your tastes, your hobbies, your preferences, your hair colour or maybe even your gender.

Anyways I got side-tracked. Things that I am thankful for this year: My family, my Ex's family for still being so welcoming and loving, my friend's family for asking if I would be joining them out of the city for Christmas (sorry guys I have to work Christmas Day) and for another friend who asked his Aunt if it would be okay if he brought a friend on Christmas Eve. I really appreciate it. I mean, I'll have to break it to my roomie's cat that I can't spend the night with him ordering Swiss Challet and watching HIMYM but I think he'll understand. I'll spend my Boxing Day with him instead.

HIMYM and Christmas

Christmas is coming!
And I am discovering that the amount of time I spend watching How I Met Your Mother is in direct correlation to how down I feel and how much comforting I need.
One day I did not get out of bed except to go to the bathroom and go to work. I watched hours of HIMYM before work and then came home and watched more.
I've been feeling pretty low lately.

I love How I Met Your Mother. Its a great comedy with just enough drama. The characters are personable and identifiable. There's a little bit of all of them in all of us and we see a little bit of all of them in all of our friends.
We listen to Ted tell his kids about living in New York in his late 20s and early 30s and he comes so close to meeting their mother. We're welcomed into his stories like we were another of his kids; a part of Ted's family. Marshall, Lilly, Barney and Robin are our friends and our Aunts and Uncles. There aren't many shows out now that you can escape to and can make you tear up, hold your breath, or laugh until you're crying and can't breathe. This one does it for me, and right now I think its what I need.
I hate to admit it but I think I am missing my ex.
When I try and put things into perspective, I realize we were only together for a year and a half or so. It doesn't sound like a long time but it was for me.

A lot happened while I was dating/living with her. I spent 2 Christmases with her and her family (I'm not welcome at mine) After we broke up I didn't have enough money to move so we ended up living together for another 8 months. It was really hard to do. I don't know if you've ever tried to live with someone platonicly when you still love them but it felt like being forced into an open relationship. Essentially you have permission to do whatever you want with whoever you want and the other person has no real say in the matter because you aren't together anymore. I dreaded the day that she would start to see someone else. I reached new depths I didn't know were possible. I was angry at myself and the situation I let myself get into and the truth is there was some self-harm. By the way, I have always felt like self-harm was a big load of bullshit and a complete waste of time and I still do. I hate that I didn't have the strength to channel that anger and pain into something more productive. I blamed myself for the failure of our relationship, I blamed myself for destroying the future we could make together. As it turns out I have left myself with some badges that will always remind me of that time.

I suppose I miss the good times with her more than I miss her. The more I think about our relationship the more I realize she wasn't the one.
I didn't feel supported enough in my decisions, and when I came out to her (as a Transman) I feel like she shied away.

When you've avoided letting people close, or haven't felt able to let people near you because you've been uncomfortable with how people perceive you or uncomfortable with your body, and you're finally comfortable enough with someone; its a huge thing letting them in both emotionally and physically. When I told her how I felt about being a man and thinking about the steps I would have to take, I feel like she became uncomfortable with me. Like she didn't know how to treat me and stopped being comfortable/physical with me because she didn't want to make me uncomfortable.

I lost someone very close to me, closer than I'd ever let anyone get before. I don't know when/if I'll ever be able to let someone that close again, because I wouldn't ever want to make someone as uncomfortable as she got.

So yeah, Christmas is coming, and because I don't have a special someone to share it with; I took a 24hr shift on Christmas Eve. I plan on stocking up on ice cream and watching as much HIMYM as I can stand.

I didn't mean for this post to be such a downer but there were some thoughts in there that needed to be formed into coherent sentences and spilled out somewhere.