Bad at Updating

Alright. I'm awful at it.
Infact not only am I awful at updating, I don't feel like I'm very good at writing in the first place so why did I even think that starting a blog was a good idea?

I didn't really. I don't particularly like writing (mostly because I don't feel I'm very good at it) also I find it more difficult than talking out loud. That I'm an expert at. I could run my mouth all day if you let me and there was someone to pretend to listen. I sort of started this blog at the suggestion of my therapist who thought it could be a useful tool in venting frustrations or analysing some of my feelings about transitioning. I think it can be; for some people. People who are drawn to writing as a tool of expression to begin with. I, however, consider myself to be a visual artist. What that means in my case is; I can paint or sculpt or draw or be generally arty and creative or destructive depending on what the job calls for, heck I can write informally too if its just casual like this and I'm trying to avoid doing something that might in some way be emotionally taxing like I am doing right now. That is until I'm told I should write something.

I am currently supposed to be writing a "Written life story regarding my gender identity history and goals" I cannot begin to describe how frustrating it is for me to be requested to write something. This just feels like I need to qualify how feel about myself to prove to "the powers that decide" that I should be taken seriously about my needs to transition and that am seeking top surgery and need assistance attaining it because medical fees are expensive if you go to a private surgeon to have this procedure done but if I go through "the powers that decide" and they decide "yes" then I can have the government pay for this for me which means I can continue to pay the government what little money I have for letting me go to college so I can have enough education to have an entry level full-time job in a field I didn't go to school for so I could pay the bills.

That being said this life story thing is essentially what I've told my therapist and only a small handful of people. I wouldn't even say a handful really... my therapist... one close friend... my ex... No one really knows as much about my childhood except for my therapist and one of my close friends. Some other close friends know bits and pieces but no one knows everything like I do and its really hard telling people those things because they have been kept hidden and quiet and ignored and buried for so long because they are hard to deal with. And mine to deal with. They aren't for other people. I don't like... asking for help. I deal with my own burdens because I don't feel its fair for other people to have to deal with mine as well as their own.

I realise it seems a little hypocritical to then go asking "the powers that decide" for help but I don't feel like I really have a choice. I need the ability to just... be. To not have to explain to people why I feel the way I do or how I knew I was trans-man or whats in my underpants or be mistaken for being a really impressive trans-woman. I just want to exist and be comfortable with my body and until I pass I will have to continually qualify my existence.
The truth is it was transition or shut down completely. I was becoming a shell. Someone else. Someone who existed but had no insides. Hollow.

So I guess I will have to explain to "the powers that decide" just like I explain to every well-meaning, ill-informed, curious, sheltered person who asks.

"Oh... your name is John? I've never met a girl named John before. Is that short for something?"

"John huh? I've noticed a lot of girls are going by the male short-form of their names now a days. What's your full name?"

"Yeah but what's your real name?"

"I'm sorry I'm going to have to ask you to leave the men's room. you can't be in here. Leave the men's room or leave the bar. What does your ID say?"

"So... like... do you have a penis?"

"Do you think you'll get the surgery?"

"Wow, you used to be a boy? Cuz you're like... really pretty!" (I would like to say "fuck you" on behalf of Trans-women, you ignorant cow!)

"Why would you want to be a boy when you are so pretty as a girl?"

"This is a man's haircut. I will give you a similar ladies' haircut. Very pretty, you would make some boy very happy. Boys like girls with short hair."

"You know your... johnson right? Isn't it true you could just... get one as big as you like? Why wouldn't you just do that? I mean... why would you want a small one??"


By the way, as of August 21st I started T and have been on it for 16 weeks. I am still misgendered fairly regularly but the other day at the mall my cashier at Tim Horton's called me "Miss" and then called me "Sir" for the rest of my order and the guy in the HMV called me "man" and "dude". I'm fairly sure I've begun passing on the phone, hopefully I'll be able to find my mic for my XBox soon and I'll be able to put that theory to the test on XBL.

P.S. - My girlfriend is awesome!

The e-Mail.

So this is the post I was going to write shortly after the post before the last one.

I work at a college residence, and I know there is potential for a LGBT community there that I feel isn't being recognised, so I wrote an e-mail to a colleague who has more of a hand in this kind of decision-making.
What follows is that e-mail:

Hey Shauna!

Arthur and I were chatting last night about maybe holding some kind of event aimed at the LGBT community and their allies.
There didn't seem to be many events that encouraged a safe support network and a social environment for us, and although we know we would be welcome to any of the events held at Res or even the College Name GSA; I, or someone in my shoes might not feel particularly drawn to socialize completely-comfortably in other situations or might not get what we might be hoping to find.

As I am observing; Residence can be a funny place. So many people come from all walks of life and are all made to share the same small home. This causes some residents to make new friends quite quickly and start a new chapter in their lives away from home, while others may be a little shy and being thrust into a building full of 300 strangers may cause them to feel even more isolated.

Many students come to post-secondary schools hoping for a new beginning. High-school or even their homes might not have been the most friendly place for them especially if they were "different". I would say it is the first few years away from home when students really start to become who they are supposed to be, and some need a little bit of reassurance that they're still okay.
I myself didn't tell my parents I was dating a girl until half-way through my third year of college. That was 16 months after I joined the College Name GSA as a "straight female" because my gay roommate and now best friend thought it would be good to meet new people and show our support for others who shared our beliefs and 6 months after starting to date my first girlfriend. I don't know what I would have done without my buddy Mike and the GSA. I don't know what my ex-girlfriend would have done without her lesbian roommate/best friend encouraging her to join when she identified as "straight".

Since then College Name's GSA has changed quite a bit. I still know many of the students who attend/lead it and I by no means want to step on any toes there but the kind of people there might not be for everyone. I am still friends with them but they might be a little... extreme. Most of them have been students for about as long as I have and an outsider may find them a little too clicky.
A couple of students I have talked to in the residence weren't even aware that College Name had its own GSA.

My hopes would be to have some kind of event to establish some friendships outside of the student's classes, and encourage a safe environment within the residence.
I believe in the upcoming weeks (perhaps in February or maybe March) Carol has a Real-Talk event regarding the LGBT community. Maybe there is something we can do before then? Maybe an event like this is something our employer might not go for or might feel like it might put students "at risk", but if that were the case then that is the reason we SHOULD have a community like this.

I may have over-stepped my boundaries, and if so; I apologize. This might be more of an issue to bring up to the college, but I would like to see more events either here or there that promote self-growth, community, and especially unity for those of us who at one time or another may have felt "different".

Thank you for your time,
I hope this e-mail wasn't too lengthy.
~John

A couple of days later (because I sent this on a Thursday and then Shauna couldn't respond for the next few days) I got a response to my e-mail:

Hey John:

Great email-such good ideas.

Yes, I am totally on-side with an LGBTQ event. February seems packed with events around Valentine’s Day , and they have to be jammed in before the break, but March has little of interest to offer beside St Paddy’s.

Being pretty new to College Name myself I have not met anyone from the GSA and only know of it because of a casual conversation with someone from College Student Union.

You are a very talented writer; your email reads like an article (yeah, you got me, I’m asking if you would be willing to write an article for the March newsletter).

I think you, Arthur, and I should set a mtg for when I’m back from break. Let’s aim for week of February 12. I am confident that we can come up with one or more program ideas for March that would be really interesting to rez students and would hopefully attract an under-served demographic.

I think the peeps in rez will be fascinated by your story. And I know for a fact they are curious about Arthur but too shy to ask. Perhaps we can identify someone else with a unique story/perspective who might be willing to share his/her story.

I don’t have much to offer from my personal experience other than some amusing anecdotes from PFLAG mtgs

Before I left Other College Name I was in the process of creating an event based on two speakers (one of whom was a summer resident) who are active members of the S&M Community; their experiences with administration, instructors, peers, and roommates at College Name was fascinating. I don’t think anyone has moved forward with this in past couple of monthes.

I don’t want to wait for Carol cus I think we have a good sense our students and are more than capable of reaching out to them in a way that will be effective.

Thanks so much for the suggestions and ideas-this will be a great focus for next month. Oh, and FYI, it takes a lot to “over step” with me so that isn’t something to waste time worrying about.

Chat soon.
Shauna

SHIT I HAVE TO WRITE AN ARTICLE FOR OUR NEWSLETTER NOW?!
THAT WAS NOT THE PLAN!