The Waiting Game

Its been a long week back at work. I am starting to realize that this job is not for me, it is not ultimately fulfilling as well as very stressful.

I am making friends and meeting people BUT if I am in the lowest spot in the totem pole and still coming home and worrying about what is getting done at work and what I will have to deal with when I get back the next morning or on Monday then something is not working properly within that company.

On the plus side I found out that I have begun paying off my student loans. And I believe within the next couple of months I should be getting health benefits from work. Which will be awesome, I hope... I hope that it will come in handy if I need assistance once I start therapy or if I'll need assistance starting hormones or with surgery.

I would like to go back to school for theater tech I believe. I want to go back to school after taking care of the next few... steps I guess. (I don't know what to really refer to it as) I'm not feeling like I'm making "official progress" I'm currently waiting on a call from the organization whose waiting list I am on for a spot in therapy (hurray!) but it feels like I have been waiting for a very very long time and I don't know how much longer I will have to wait for.

Occasionally I feel like I might not be taken seriously because I'm not seriously harming myself or abusing substances. I seriously hope that won't be the case. Everyone struggles in their own way and I hope everyone will be able to find peace in whatever way we are looking for it.

Lonesome Dog

I'm taking a little break from work as I start writing this. Currently I'm living at work for a few days to get some hardcore work done before guests comeback from the holidays. (I kind of work at a hotel type place) I'm mostly doing cleaning and things but it takes a long time so work is letting me crash in one of their rooms while I'm here.

I wanted to talk a bit about feeling lonely. Sometimes I think another pet would fix that, or at the very least make life a little more bearable.
I have been feeling this way for a couple of weeks now but its been getting worse lately. I've been itching for things to do to keep myself occupied. Thankfully my friends wanted to go see a film yesterday so we went to see Tintin. I have been excited to see this film since hearing Simon Pegg and Nick Frost would be Thompson and Thomson. I am a big fan of Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, and Edgar Wright. I also have fond memories of watching Tintin the cartoon as a child.

I also love Tintin's dog Snowy, how effing awesome is that dog? I sort of feel bad for all the parents who took their kids to see that film because every one of them is going to leave that theater wanting a freaking dog. They will, I know because I want one.
I however, have 23 years of wanting a dog under my belt as opposed to some little kid wanting one for a week and a half.

I feel like a dog would be good to have in some respects because it would want more from me than my rats do. (I have 3 and I love them to bits but its not quite the same) Perhaps I have this romanticized (figuratively, of course) idea of what having a dog would be like. The idea of having a friend who would be undyingly loyal and who would love you unconditionally regardless of who I was. Maybe I secretly hope that having a dog would be like having Snowy. We would have adventures and I wouldn't need to have him on a lead and he would be extremely well behaved and my best friend. Realistically I know it wouldn't be exactly like this, atleast not right away, but I could hope and dream right?
Someday I'll be able to get a dog but I know I can't until I'm better able to support myself. I'd need to have a job that I can support myself with, pay my rent and buy groceries without being afraid I might not have another paycheck coming. Live in a place that isn't too expensive and I'm not afraid I might get kicked out of. I have enough fears of what I might have to pay in regards to doctor's fees. Things that OHIP or my benefits might not cover. It would be completely irresponsible to get a dog and not have money I could pay to a vet in the event that that dog got sick.

Until the day I am working in a career I am happy with and a little more stable health-wise and financially; I cannot have that kind of companion to depend on me for the necessities of life.

Man I want an effin dog though.

Dinners and Boxing Day

I guess I should update again since I seem to be following a pattern of about once a week.

It isn't that I don't enjoy doing this (I do) I just... forget... a lot. Perhaps its because I'm still fairly new to this blogging thing, updating hasn't become a habit yet.

Hold on a second...

Okay I'm back, yesterday I bought a fist-full of new dvds so I had to put one on. (Bloodsport, if you're curious) I'll talk more about that later.

A few days ago I was hanging with one of my buddies (I'm going to call him Noah because I got tired of writing "my buddy" all the time) and he invited me to his family's Christmas Eve get together. I'm out to his Mum and Step-dad and they're really cool about it. They even introduced me to rest of his family as John. It was a great meal and a better way to spend an evening than at home alone with the cat.

Christmas Day I spent at work all day, I cleaned doors for hours and then had to crash at work because I was on call for the rest of the 24 hours I was scheduled. There are a stupid amount of doors at that place and because I had to squat to clean the lower parts of all of them; I ended up doing almost 200 squats over the course of the day. When I woke up yesterday morning I walked around like I was John Wayne for a couple of hours! The muscles in my thighs are still tight from it. Its probably a sign I should probably work out my legs more.

After working virtually alone for 24hours I was pretty starved for some human interaction and playing Call Of Duty: MW3 wasn't cutting it. (By the way, I am AWFUL at multi-player, atleast in comparison to everyone else who is online.) I texted Noah to see what he was doing and we ended up braving the malls to grab some sweet deals.

I got a super warm sweater for about $30 less than it normally goes for. Noah got a sweet jacket and I was sorta jealous that it fit him so well. I sometimes get jealous when I see people who look the way I feel I should, or the way I want to... flat chests and facial hair. Usually I'm okay but sometimes it gets me down. I've talked to Noah about it before and he gets it. I feel like I can talk to him about almost anything and he gets it. He's just on of those guys.
Anyways he saved a but load of money on that sweet jacket and we bought some $3 dvds.

I have a problem when it comes to dvds. I love movies, all kinds of them. Noah loves them too.
I bought:
Bloodsport
Tango & Cash
Insomnia
and The Time Machine

Noah bought Space Jam.

After blowing some cash we grabbed some food and headed to his place where he made me watch Yes Man. Which was pretty hilarious, and sort of makes you want to try new things.
Speaking of new things; before my roommates left for their homes they invited me to a strip club.

I had never been to one before and I was very reluctant to go when they first asked. I thought about it for a little bit and decided "what the hell?! I'll go because I've never been and if I didn't like it I wouldn't have to go again." It wasn't so bad and we had a good time regardless of the quality & quantity of naked ladies. Have I mentioned my roommates are a couple? They have been together for about 4 years and they took ME to a strip club... BOTH of them. Weird...

Fun Fact: I find nice legs VERY attractive.

You might want to turn your speakers down for this one.

Phone Calls and Christmas Cards

Last week I called my Ex's mother. I just wanted to wish her family a merry Christmas because other than my family hers was the only one I've ever spent Christmas with and I spent 2 with them. I have never even spent it alone until this year.

Yesterday and today I received 2 cards in the mail. The first was from her mother and aunt and uncle. They also sent me a gift card which was highly unnecessary. The second was from her sister. It also contained a gift card to Timmie's.

My roommates saw me tear up twice in 2 days because of these. I feel like a huge sook. I'm really going to miss them this year. I really feel as though I have an extended family through my Ex (atleast on her mother's side) and I was worried I was going to lose them once we had broken up.

Her step-mother however is a different case. When my Ex told her step-mother about us her step-mother said "this doesn't surprise me at all, I never thought you'd end up with a man" (at this time I was still going by female although my Ex and I had talked about how I felt) After a few months of being separated (and quite a few months of going by male pronouns amongst friends) and my Ex was going to visit her dad and step-mother I told my Ex "Don't let her tell you that she never saw you ending up with a woman anyways" My Ex texted me before she was going to bed that night and said that that was exactly what her step-mom had told her that day. I was so pissed.
I can't stand it when people tell you things like that. Like they "knew you would be a lesbian" or "gay" or "trans" or any of those things. No one can tell you that they knew you would be a certain way. They may think they can so they can put you into a little box that helps them understand the world better but no one can label you.

You can try to label yourself but I think you'll find that things will change. Your tastes, your hobbies, your preferences, your hair colour or maybe even your gender.

Anyways I got side-tracked. Things that I am thankful for this year: My family, my Ex's family for still being so welcoming and loving, my friend's family for asking if I would be joining them out of the city for Christmas (sorry guys I have to work Christmas Day) and for another friend who asked his Aunt if it would be okay if he brought a friend on Christmas Eve. I really appreciate it. I mean, I'll have to break it to my roomie's cat that I can't spend the night with him ordering Swiss Challet and watching HIMYM but I think he'll understand. I'll spend my Boxing Day with him instead.

Train Rides with Drunken Acquaintances

After a couple of very trying days at work; Saturday finally rolled around and I was invited to go to a buddy's shop to give him a hand with a project he was working on. I'm always super excited when I can go to his place because I get to work on some pretty neat things and I don't always have the space or tools to do it at home.
Yesterday he needed a hand with seaming some rubber props for a musical thats coming to Toronto relatively soon which was very exciting and surprisingly dusty work, although much work is that involves sanding. I only have a couple pictures from yesterday but I'll post them on my other blog as to avoid confusion. My other blog is my SFX blog.
It was a long day in the shop but ultimately very rewarding. I left TO very late and I was super cold and had been working out in the shop all day which wasn't very much warmer than outside. By the time I was leaving I was done for the day and just wanted to crash into my nice warm bed. I got to Union and watched my train home pull away without me. I decided since I had an hour to kill that I would get some McDonald's french fries even though I had already had dinner at the prop shop. I stepped into the line-up and was only a couple people away from the counter when an announcement came over the loudspeaker and said there would be another train home on the platform that would be leaving shortly.
I thought 'forget the fries, home is more important right now and I don't want to wait an hour for another train after this one!'
I headed to the platform hopped on the train and sat by the doors waiting eagerly for the doors to close so that I could be on my way. I was all set for a boring lonely train ride home, I had my book (Ender's Game) I had my mp3 player (Zune, Don't laugh you jerk!) all that was missing was the hot chocolate I had planned on getting from the Tim Horton's on Bay st except it was closed when I got there! I sat on the train about to take my mp3 player out of my bag when these 2 guys got on the train with their fists full of McD bags. One of them (lets call him Jim) recognized me from working at their College and was super stoked about it. He introduced me to his friend (Ron) and they both sat down across from me. Jim offered me some of his french fries and then began to eat 4 hamburgers as only someone with the drunk munchies can. Jim told me how they had been to a friend's birthday and he had met his future wife there. We chatted about when he should call or text her and about HIMYM and Breaking Bad. All in all it was a much more entertaining train ride home than I had expected. I ended up walking home with them (we all lived along the same road) instead of catching a cab like a lazy person who had found $20 on the ground. That made it a much longer and colder trip home but the company is what makes things worth while sometimes. We passed Jim's apartment and said so long. He hugged Ron and kissed him on both cheeks, Ron grabbed his ass. Then Jim hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. I didn't kiss him back and he jokingly got offended. I think its important to note that this was only the second time I had met Jim and both times he had been "hammed out of his mind" as he so eloquently put it. Ron was a lot quieter the rest of the way home but was good company none-the-less, also it turns out we live in the same building so that was kinda cool too.

Another thing I've been realizing is, Just because you have a male name doesn't mean people are going to use male pronouns. I go by John at work, and I plan to make that my middle name. (I'm not sure how T will effect my face or body type so I figure maybe I'll decide on a first name later) Jim knew me from my place of work and knew me as John but proceeded to call me "She" for the duration of the night. I think if I ever see him sober I will correct him, but we'll see how that goes.

HIMYM and Christmas

Christmas is coming!
And I am discovering that the amount of time I spend watching How I Met Your Mother is in direct correlation to how down I feel and how much comforting I need.
One day I did not get out of bed except to go to the bathroom and go to work. I watched hours of HIMYM before work and then came home and watched more.
I've been feeling pretty low lately.

I love How I Met Your Mother. Its a great comedy with just enough drama. The characters are personable and identifiable. There's a little bit of all of them in all of us and we see a little bit of all of them in all of our friends.
We listen to Ted tell his kids about living in New York in his late 20s and early 30s and he comes so close to meeting their mother. We're welcomed into his stories like we were another of his kids; a part of Ted's family. Marshall, Lilly, Barney and Robin are our friends and our Aunts and Uncles. There aren't many shows out now that you can escape to and can make you tear up, hold your breath, or laugh until you're crying and can't breathe. This one does it for me, and right now I think its what I need.
I hate to admit it but I think I am missing my ex.
When I try and put things into perspective, I realize we were only together for a year and a half or so. It doesn't sound like a long time but it was for me.

A lot happened while I was dating/living with her. I spent 2 Christmases with her and her family (I'm not welcome at mine) After we broke up I didn't have enough money to move so we ended up living together for another 8 months. It was really hard to do. I don't know if you've ever tried to live with someone platonicly when you still love them but it felt like being forced into an open relationship. Essentially you have permission to do whatever you want with whoever you want and the other person has no real say in the matter because you aren't together anymore. I dreaded the day that she would start to see someone else. I reached new depths I didn't know were possible. I was angry at myself and the situation I let myself get into and the truth is there was some self-harm. By the way, I have always felt like self-harm was a big load of bullshit and a complete waste of time and I still do. I hate that I didn't have the strength to channel that anger and pain into something more productive. I blamed myself for the failure of our relationship, I blamed myself for destroying the future we could make together. As it turns out I have left myself with some badges that will always remind me of that time.

I suppose I miss the good times with her more than I miss her. The more I think about our relationship the more I realize she wasn't the one.
I didn't feel supported enough in my decisions, and when I came out to her (as a Transman) I feel like she shied away.

When you've avoided letting people close, or haven't felt able to let people near you because you've been uncomfortable with how people perceive you or uncomfortable with your body, and you're finally comfortable enough with someone; its a huge thing letting them in both emotionally and physically. When I told her how I felt about being a man and thinking about the steps I would have to take, I feel like she became uncomfortable with me. Like she didn't know how to treat me and stopped being comfortable/physical with me because she didn't want to make me uncomfortable.

I lost someone very close to me, closer than I'd ever let anyone get before. I don't know when/if I'll ever be able to let someone that close again, because I wouldn't ever want to make someone as uncomfortable as she got.

So yeah, Christmas is coming, and because I don't have a special someone to share it with; I took a 24hr shift on Christmas Eve. I plan on stocking up on ice cream and watching as much HIMYM as I can stand.

I didn't mean for this post to be such a downer but there were some thoughts in there that needed to be formed into coherent sentences and spilled out somewhere.

Crazy Week

Alright, so some new things have happened and perhaps they're the kinds of things that'll be appropriate to share with strangers. Chances are, they are not. That's okay though, only friends are reading the blog at this stage anyways right?

Right?...

1. Last Thursday I started going to the gym. Well... sort of. At work we have what's called a "Wellness Room" which consists of a treadmill, 2 ellipticals and about 4 machines whose names I am unsure of. One of them is a Press I suppose... if it had a bench it would be a Bench Press, but instead it uses a sitting position. Another one is a Triceps Extender. (surprisingly hard. I had no idea that I had never used those muscles before in my life. I assume that because it hurt like hell and I could only manage 3 sets of 12 reps of 2lbs WTF) Another machine is that one where you exercise your chest muscles and arms. You know the one. Lastly there is a leg one... I don't use that one cuz it looks dumb. Yeah! Honesty! For the past week I've been at the gym every second day for about 2 hours. I suppose I'll keep doing it until I find a smoother routine.

2. I made some calls and on Wednesday had a phone interview with a center that has agreed to put me on a wait list to see a therapist! The only thing is the wait list is about 3-5 months long. Woo! but at least I'm on it now.

3. I haven't really spoken with my mum for a couple of months. No real reason, I just haven't really done it and she was away for a while in NFLD with my dad to sort out my Nan's issues. (long and complicated. a story for a different post)
ANYWAYS Thursday my mum e-mailed me to update me on what has been going on in her life since we last talked. Here is an idea of what's happened: a. My dad had blood work done and was diagnosed with mild type II diabetes. (btw my dad and I do not talk, and haven't for about 24 months) b. a day later my mum was hospitalized with a fever and was on IV antibiotics for a week, and c. my mum will be having minor surgery on her face just under her eye to have a(n unspecified) spot removed.

I read this and was like "WHAT THE $#!T ?!? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN AND WHY WAS I NOT PHONED!? MY CELL STILL GODDAMN WORKS PEOPLE, YOU PAY FOR IT STILL!!" I was very frustrated and I still have not e-mailed her back... I have not planned out what I was going to say. In a way I can see not being told about my mother being in the hospital because my dad wouldn't go out of his way to fat-finger my number into his phone especially since we aren't talking but still! there are other people who could have let me know! /sigh

so that has been my week. Not including making this blog of course. I think I did that Monday or something. TODAY I get to hang out with some good friends and we're going to go catch The Muppets! Woo!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get dressed because I can't go to a movie in just my Star Wars underpants.


p.s. my roommate wanted me to add that while I was writing this, she brought me raspberry sherbert and pocky, and that she thinks she's the best roommate ever.