Alright. I'm awful at it.
Infact not only am I awful at updating, I don't feel like I'm very good at writing in the first place so why did I even think that starting a blog was a good idea?
I didn't really. I don't particularly like writing (mostly because I don't feel I'm very good at it) also I find it more difficult than talking out loud. That I'm an expert at. I could run my mouth all day if you let me and there was someone to pretend to listen. I sort of started this blog at the suggestion of my therapist who thought it could be a useful tool in venting frustrations or analysing some of my feelings about transitioning. I think it can be; for some people. People who are drawn to writing as a tool of expression to begin with. I, however, consider myself to be a visual artist. What that means in my case is; I can paint or sculpt or draw or be generally arty and creative or destructive depending on what the job calls for, heck I can write informally too if its just casual like this and I'm trying to avoid doing something that might in some way be emotionally taxing like I am doing right now. That is until I'm told I should write something.
I am currently supposed to be writing a "Written life story regarding my gender identity history and goals" I cannot begin to describe how frustrating it is for me to be requested to write something. This just feels like I need to qualify how feel about myself to prove to "the powers that decide" that I should be taken seriously about my needs to transition and that am seeking top surgery and need assistance attaining it because medical fees are expensive if you go to a private surgeon to have this procedure done but if I go through "the powers that decide" and they decide "yes" then I can have the government pay for this for me which means I can continue to pay the government what little money I have for letting me go to college so I can have enough education to have an entry level full-time job in a field I didn't go to school for so I could pay the bills.
That being said this life story thing is essentially what I've told my therapist and only a small handful of people. I wouldn't even say a handful really... my therapist... one close friend... my ex... No one really knows as much about my childhood except for my therapist and one of my close friends. Some other close friends know bits and pieces but no one knows everything like I do and its really hard telling people those things because they have been kept hidden and quiet and ignored and buried for so long because they are hard to deal with. And mine to deal with. They aren't for other people. I don't like... asking for help. I deal with my own burdens because I don't feel its fair for other people to have to deal with mine as well as their own.
I realise it seems a little hypocritical to then go asking "the powers that decide" for help but I don't feel like I really have a choice. I need the ability to just... be. To not have to explain to people why I feel the way I do or how I knew I was trans-man or whats in my underpants or be mistaken for being a really impressive trans-woman. I just want to exist and be comfortable with my body and until I pass I will have to continually qualify my existence.
The truth is it was transition or shut down completely. I was becoming a shell. Someone else. Someone who existed but had no insides. Hollow.
So I guess I will have to explain to "the powers that decide" just like I explain to every well-meaning, ill-informed, curious, sheltered person who asks.
"Oh... your name is John? I've never met a girl named John before. Is that short for something?"
"John huh? I've noticed a lot of girls are going by the male short-form of their names now a days. What's your full name?"
"Yeah but what's your real name?"
"I'm sorry I'm going to have to ask you to leave the men's room. you can't be in here. Leave the men's room or leave the bar. What does your ID say?"
"So... like... do you have a penis?"
"Do you think you'll get the surgery?"
"Wow, you used to be a boy? Cuz you're like... really pretty!" (I would like to say "fuck you" on behalf of Trans-women, you ignorant cow!)
"Why would you want to be a boy when you are so pretty as a girl?"
"This is a man's haircut. I will give you a similar ladies' haircut. Very pretty, you would make some boy very happy. Boys like girls with short hair."
"You know your... johnson right? Isn't it true you could just... get one as big as you like? Why wouldn't you just do that? I mean... why would you want a small one??"
By the way, as of August 21st I started T and have been on it for 16 weeks. I am still misgendered fairly regularly but the other day at the mall my cashier at Tim Horton's called me "Miss" and then called me "Sir" for the rest of my order and the guy in the HMV called me "man" and "dude". I'm fairly sure I've begun passing on the phone, hopefully I'll be able to find my mic for my XBox soon and I'll be able to put that theory to the test on XBL.
P.S. - My girlfriend is awesome!
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Monday, June 25, 2012
Bathrooms
Today I was told for the first time that I couldn't use the men's room of the bar I was in. I tried to explain that I was trans and that there are not actual laws that prohibit me from using the men's washroom but he told me "that doesn't matter. What does your drivers license say?" There is more to this story but I am frustrated and tired and my cell is dying so I think I will explain this story to the people I was actually at the bar with first...
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Quick update!
I have not forgotten that no one reads this! So a couple of weeks ago I was asked out by a girl that I have had a crush on for some time but because we hadn't spoken our going out in a while I had sort of forgotten about. Anyways we spent a weekend working at a convention together and had a really good time and enjoyed each other's company and she asked me out. We have gone on a couple of dates and things are going well.
But...
I don't know if its my self esteem or what but I just don't get what she sees in me. I mean maybe I've put her on a pedestal or something but she has some mondo life experience compared to myself and I honestly don't see what she sees in me but I really like her and I'm glad she took a chance on asking me out.
Also, another funny quick story. We were in a club with one of her friends, and that friend was asking me a bunch of questions about what I do and that sort of thing. She gets really excited easily and blurted out "I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOUR ANNIVERSARIES" with a squeal. I nearly spit my drink because this was only the second date and the first time I had even met this girl. I laughed it off and looked to my date.
"Pardon?" She asked. She apparantly hadn't heard her friend's comment. I told her about it the next day and she looked a little embarrassed but mostly found the comment amusing. I'm not sure if she pretended not to hear her friend that night and I'm not sure what exactly she has been telling her friends about me; but I'm sure it will be fun to find out. : D
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Things Like This
Today was a good day for so many more reasons than just this, but it would have been enough to make any day a good one.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
The e-Mail.
So this is the post I was going to write shortly after the post before the last one.
I work at a college residence, and I know there is potential for a LGBT community there that I feel isn't being recognised, so I wrote an e-mail to a colleague who has more of a hand in this kind of decision-making.
What follows is that e-mail:
Hey Shauna!
Arthur and I were chatting last night about maybe holding some kind of event aimed at the LGBT community and their allies.
There didn't seem to be many events that encouraged a safe support network and a social environment for us, and although we know we would be welcome to any of the events held at Res or even the College Name GSA; I, or someone in my shoes might not feel particularly drawn to socialize completely-comfortably in other situations or might not get what we might be hoping to find.
As I am observing; Residence can be a funny place. So many people come from all walks of life and are all made to share the same small home. This causes some residents to make new friends quite quickly and start a new chapter in their lives away from home, while others may be a little shy and being thrust into a building full of 300 strangers may cause them to feel even more isolated.
Many students come to post-secondary schools hoping for a new beginning. High-school or even their homes might not have been the most friendly place for them especially if they were "different". I would say it is the first few years away from home when students really start to become who they are supposed to be, and some need a little bit of reassurance that they're still okay.
I myself didn't tell my parents I was dating a girl until half-way through my third year of college. That was 16 months after I joined the College Name GSA as a "straight female" because my gay roommate and now best friend thought it would be good to meet new people and show our support for others who shared our beliefs and 6 months after starting to date my first girlfriend. I don't know what I would have done without my buddy Mike and the GSA. I don't know what my ex-girlfriend would have done without her lesbian roommate/best friend encouraging her to join when she identified as "straight".
Since then College Name's GSA has changed quite a bit. I still know many of the students who attend/lead it and I by no means want to step on any toes there but the kind of people there might not be for everyone. I am still friends with them but they might be a little... extreme. Most of them have been students for about as long as I have and an outsider may find them a little too clicky.
A couple of students I have talked to in the residence weren't even aware that College Name had its own GSA.
My hopes would be to have some kind of event to establish some friendships outside of the student's classes, and encourage a safe environment within the residence.
I believe in the upcoming weeks (perhaps in February or maybe March) Carol has a Real-Talk event regarding the LGBT community. Maybe there is something we can do before then? Maybe an event like this is something our employer might not go for or might feel like it might put students "at risk", but if that were the case then that is the reason we SHOULD have a community like this.
I may have over-stepped my boundaries, and if so; I apologize. This might be more of an issue to bring up to the college, but I would like to see more events either here or there that promote self-growth, community, and especially unity for those of us who at one time or another may have felt "different".
Thank you for your time,
I hope this e-mail wasn't too lengthy.
~John
A couple of days later (because I sent this on a Thursday and then Shauna couldn't respond for the next few days) I got a response to my e-mail:
Shauna
SHIT I HAVE TO WRITE AN ARTICLE FOR OUR NEWSLETTER NOW?!
THAT WAS NOT THE PLAN!
I work at a college residence, and I know there is potential for a LGBT community there that I feel isn't being recognised, so I wrote an e-mail to a colleague who has more of a hand in this kind of decision-making.
What follows is that e-mail:
Hey Shauna!
Arthur and I were chatting last night about maybe holding some kind of event aimed at the LGBT community and their allies.
There didn't seem to be many events that encouraged a safe support network and a social environment for us, and although we know we would be welcome to any of the events held at Res or even the College Name GSA; I, or someone in my shoes might not feel particularly drawn to socialize completely-comfortably in other situations or might not get what we might be hoping to find.
As I am observing; Residence can be a funny place. So many people come from all walks of life and are all made to share the same small home. This causes some residents to make new friends quite quickly and start a new chapter in their lives away from home, while others may be a little shy and being thrust into a building full of 300 strangers may cause them to feel even more isolated.
Many students come to post-secondary schools hoping for a new beginning. High-school or even their homes might not have been the most friendly place for them especially if they were "different". I would say it is the first few years away from home when students really start to become who they are supposed to be, and some need a little bit of reassurance that they're still okay.
I myself didn't tell my parents I was dating a girl until half-way through my third year of college. That was 16 months after I joined the College Name GSA as a "straight female" because my gay roommate and now best friend thought it would be good to meet new people and show our support for others who shared our beliefs and 6 months after starting to date my first girlfriend. I don't know what I would have done without my buddy Mike and the GSA. I don't know what my ex-girlfriend would have done without her lesbian roommate/best friend encouraging her to join when she identified as "straight".
Since then College Name's GSA has changed quite a bit. I still know many of the students who attend/lead it and I by no means want to step on any toes there but the kind of people there might not be for everyone. I am still friends with them but they might be a little... extreme. Most of them have been students for about as long as I have and an outsider may find them a little too clicky.
A couple of students I have talked to in the residence weren't even aware that College Name had its own GSA.
My hopes would be to have some kind of event to establish some friendships outside of the student's classes, and encourage a safe environment within the residence.
I believe in the upcoming weeks (perhaps in February or maybe March) Carol has a Real-Talk event regarding the LGBT community. Maybe there is something we can do before then? Maybe an event like this is something our employer might not go for or might feel like it might put students "at risk", but if that were the case then that is the reason we SHOULD have a community like this.
I may have over-stepped my boundaries, and if so; I apologize. This might be more of an issue to bring up to the college, but I would like to see more events either here or there that promote self-growth, community, and especially unity for those of us who at one time or another may have felt "different".
Thank you for your time,
I hope this e-mail wasn't too lengthy.
~John
A couple of days later (because I sent this on a Thursday and then Shauna couldn't respond for the next few days) I got a response to my e-mail:
Hey John:
Great email-such good ideas.
Yes, I am totally on-side with an LGBTQ event. February seems packed with events around Valentine’s Day , and they have to be jammed in before the break, but March has little of interest to offer beside St Paddy’s.
Being pretty new to College Name myself I have not met anyone from the GSA and only know of it because of a casual conversation with someone from College Student Union.
You are a very talented writer; your email reads like an article (yeah, you got me, I’m asking if you would be willing to write an article for the March newsletter).
I think you, Arthur, and I should set a mtg for when I’m back from break. Let’s aim for week of February 12. I am confident that we can come up with one or more program ideas for March that would be really interesting to rez students and would hopefully attract an under-served demographic.
I think the peeps in rez will be fascinated by your story. And I know for a fact they are curious about Arthur but too shy to ask. Perhaps we can identify someone else with a unique story/perspective who might be willing to share his/her story.
I don’t have much to offer from my personal experience other than some amusing anecdotes from PFLAG mtgs
Before I left Other College Name I was in the process of creating an event based on two speakers (one of whom was a summer resident) who are active members of the S&M Community; their experiences with administration, instructors, peers, and roommates at College Name was fascinating. I don’t think anyone has moved forward with this in past couple of monthes.
I don’t want to wait for Carol cus I think we have a good sense our students and are more than capable of reaching out to them in a way that will be effective.
Thanks so much for the suggestions and ideas-this will be a great focus for next month. Oh, and FYI, it takes a lot to “over step” with me so that isn’t something to waste time worrying about.
Chat soon.Shauna
SHIT I HAVE TO WRITE AN ARTICLE FOR OUR NEWSLETTER NOW?!
THAT WAS NOT THE PLAN!
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Blerg.
I have not updated in about two weeks and this reflects a little badly on my part because I do not have a good reason!
I was a little lazy, and the previous post to this one is a little lame. Nothing had really happened that week that I felt was super important to update about but I updated none-the-less. Then I was texting a buddy later in the day and had a pretty good conversation with him about how I had been planning the next couple of years of my life. That's what I hope to talk about in this post. THEN I'm going to make ANOTHER post about an e-mail I sent to a co-worker about running some events at my work.
SIDE NOTE: HEY LOOK A DISTRACTION!!
Anyways. What follows is essentially a transcript of the conversation I had with my buddy, the day after I posted my last... post.
Me: Have I told you that I want to go back to school for theater tech?
Zack: Whatttt? No! Thats awesome! Where would you be gpin?? (goin. Oh yeah, I'll include the spelling mistakes)
Me: I wanna go back to sheridan but its going to be like... A 4 year course so I'm toying with the idea of doing it after transitioning
Zack: Oh jeez eh.. ya man thats long... what are the reasons for waiting? Obv. just from your perspective
Zack: Like in stead of transitionin in school
Me: Well I feel like I'd have enough onn my plate with a heavy course like theater tech and also because its going to be 4 years I would like to start fresh with a new class instead of going through those changes infront of everyone
Zack: Ha totally fair enough... itsa good idea
Me: I don't know if I want to be living like a student for that long though lol yknow?
Zack: Hmmmm well look at it this way... if you went to school and then were given the choice to transition... would you really not take it cause you were in school?
Me: That is a good point. I would still do it
Me: I guess I just don't likethe idea of being put on display while I'm trying to work
Me: And a litle scared that I might be judged while being inbetween
Me: I want to be able to pass in my classes I don't want it to be an issue :/
Me: I should be blogging this lmao sorry abbout all the posts
Zack: No no dude feel free i like hearin you text bout it:-) i was just doin my pilates thing
Zack: Honrstly man most people wont even pay attention... especially if you go in there as male and sobt say anythin else aaout it
Zack: Do things like get them to put john on the attendance
Either that or wait till youve at least started transitioning.
Me: I guess... I mean thats what you did right
Zack: Ya pretty much... at least starting transitioning definately made me feel more solid before goin to school.
BAM! so there's some stuff to think about.
I'm still not sure what I'm going to do but...y'know I think that's okay. This sort of stuff is good to think about.
I was a little lazy, and the previous post to this one is a little lame. Nothing had really happened that week that I felt was super important to update about but I updated none-the-less. Then I was texting a buddy later in the day and had a pretty good conversation with him about how I had been planning the next couple of years of my life. That's what I hope to talk about in this post. THEN I'm going to make ANOTHER post about an e-mail I sent to a co-worker about running some events at my work.
SIDE NOTE: HEY LOOK A DISTRACTION!!
Anyways. What follows is essentially a transcript of the conversation I had with my buddy, the day after I posted my last... post.
Me: Have I told you that I want to go back to school for theater tech?
Zack: Whatttt? No! Thats awesome! Where would you be gpin?? (goin. Oh yeah, I'll include the spelling mistakes)
Me: I wanna go back to sheridan but its going to be like... A 4 year course so I'm toying with the idea of doing it after transitioning
Zack: Oh jeez eh.. ya man thats long... what are the reasons for waiting? Obv. just from your perspective
Zack: Like in stead of transitionin in school
Me: Well I feel like I'd have enough onn my plate with a heavy course like theater tech and also because its going to be 4 years I would like to start fresh with a new class instead of going through those changes infront of everyone
Zack: Ha totally fair enough... itsa good idea
Me: I don't know if I want to be living like a student for that long though lol yknow?
Zack: Hmmmm well look at it this way... if you went to school and then were given the choice to transition... would you really not take it cause you were in school?
Me: That is a good point. I would still do it
Me: I guess I just don't likethe idea of being put on display while I'm trying to work
Me: And a litle scared that I might be judged while being inbetween
Me: I want to be able to pass in my classes I don't want it to be an issue :/
Me: I should be blogging this lmao sorry abbout all the posts
Zack: No no dude feel free i like hearin you text bout it:-) i was just doin my pilates thing
Zack: Honrstly man most people wont even pay attention... especially if you go in there as male and sobt say anythin else aaout it
Zack: Do things like get them to put john on the attendance
Either that or wait till youve at least started transitioning.
Me: I guess... I mean thats what you did right
Zack: Ya pretty much... at least starting transitioning definately made me feel more solid before goin to school.
BAM! so there's some stuff to think about.
I'm still not sure what I'm going to do but...y'know I think that's okay. This sort of stuff is good to think about.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
The Waiting Game
Its been a long week back at work. I am starting to realize that this job is not for me, it is not ultimately fulfilling as well as very stressful.
I am making friends and meeting people BUT if I am in the lowest spot in the totem pole and still coming home and worrying about what is getting done at work and what I will have to deal with when I get back the next morning or on Monday then something is not working properly within that company.
On the plus side I found out that I have begun paying off my student loans. And I believe within the next couple of months I should be getting health benefits from work. Which will be awesome, I hope... I hope that it will come in handy if I need assistance once I start therapy or if I'll need assistance starting hormones or with surgery.
I would like to go back to school for theater tech I believe. I want to go back to school after taking care of the next few... steps I guess. (I don't know what to really refer to it as) I'm not feeling like I'm making "official progress" I'm currently waiting on a call from the organization whose waiting list I am on for a spot in therapy (hurray!) but it feels like I have been waiting for a very very long time and I don't know how much longer I will have to wait for.
Occasionally I feel like I might not be taken seriously because I'm not seriously harming myself or abusing substances. I seriously hope that won't be the case. Everyone struggles in their own way and I hope everyone will be able to find peace in whatever way we are looking for it.
I am making friends and meeting people BUT if I am in the lowest spot in the totem pole and still coming home and worrying about what is getting done at work and what I will have to deal with when I get back the next morning or on Monday then something is not working properly within that company.
On the plus side I found out that I have begun paying off my student loans. And I believe within the next couple of months I should be getting health benefits from work. Which will be awesome, I hope... I hope that it will come in handy if I need assistance once I start therapy or if I'll need assistance starting hormones or with surgery.
I would like to go back to school for theater tech I believe. I want to go back to school after taking care of the next few... steps I guess. (I don't know what to really refer to it as) I'm not feeling like I'm making "official progress" I'm currently waiting on a call from the organization whose waiting list I am on for a spot in therapy (hurray!) but it feels like I have been waiting for a very very long time and I don't know how much longer I will have to wait for.
Occasionally I feel like I might not be taken seriously because I'm not seriously harming myself or abusing substances. I seriously hope that won't be the case. Everyone struggles in their own way and I hope everyone will be able to find peace in whatever way we are looking for it.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Lonesome Dog
I'm taking a little break from work as I start writing this. Currently I'm living at work for a few days to get some hardcore work done before guests comeback from the holidays. (I kind of work at a hotel type place) I'm mostly doing cleaning and things but it takes a long time so work is letting me crash in one of their rooms while I'm here.
I wanted to talk a bit about feeling lonely. Sometimes I think another pet would fix that, or at the very least make life a little more bearable.
I have been feeling this way for a couple of weeks now but its been getting worse lately. I've been itching for things to do to keep myself occupied. Thankfully my friends wanted to go see a film yesterday so we went to see Tintin. I have been excited to see this film since hearing Simon Pegg and Nick Frost would be Thompson and Thomson. I am a big fan of Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, and Edgar Wright. I also have fond memories of watching Tintin the cartoon as a child.
I also love Tintin's dog Snowy, how effing awesome is that dog? I sort of feel bad for all the parents who took their kids to see that film because every one of them is going to leave that theater wanting a freaking dog. They will, I know because I want one.
I however, have 23 years of wanting a dog under my belt as opposed to some little kid wanting one for a week and a half.
I feel like a dog would be good to have in some respects because it would want more from me than my rats do. (I have 3 and I love them to bits but its not quite the same) Perhaps I have this romanticized (figuratively, of course) idea of what having a dog would be like. The idea of having a friend who would be undyingly loyal and who would love you unconditionally regardless of who I was. Maybe I secretly hope that having a dog would be like having Snowy. We would have adventures and I wouldn't need to have him on a lead and he would be extremely well behaved and my best friend. Realistically I know it wouldn't be exactly like this, atleast not right away, but I could hope and dream right?
Someday I'll be able to get a dog but I know I can't until I'm better able to support myself. I'd need to have a job that I can support myself with, pay my rent and buy groceries without being afraid I might not have another paycheck coming. Live in a place that isn't too expensive and I'm not afraid I might get kicked out of. I have enough fears of what I might have to pay in regards to doctor's fees. Things that OHIP or my benefits might not cover. It would be completely irresponsible to get a dog and not have money I could pay to a vet in the event that that dog got sick.
Until the day I am working in a career I am happy with and a little more stable health-wise and financially; I cannot have that kind of companion to depend on me for the necessities of life.
Man I want an effin dog though.
I wanted to talk a bit about feeling lonely. Sometimes I think another pet would fix that, or at the very least make life a little more bearable.
I have been feeling this way for a couple of weeks now but its been getting worse lately. I've been itching for things to do to keep myself occupied. Thankfully my friends wanted to go see a film yesterday so we went to see Tintin. I have been excited to see this film since hearing Simon Pegg and Nick Frost would be Thompson and Thomson. I am a big fan of Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, and Edgar Wright. I also have fond memories of watching Tintin the cartoon as a child.
I also love Tintin's dog Snowy, how effing awesome is that dog? I sort of feel bad for all the parents who took their kids to see that film because every one of them is going to leave that theater wanting a freaking dog. They will, I know because I want one.
I however, have 23 years of wanting a dog under my belt as opposed to some little kid wanting one for a week and a half.
I feel like a dog would be good to have in some respects because it would want more from me than my rats do. (I have 3 and I love them to bits but its not quite the same) Perhaps I have this romanticized (figuratively, of course) idea of what having a dog would be like. The idea of having a friend who would be undyingly loyal and who would love you unconditionally regardless of who I was. Maybe I secretly hope that having a dog would be like having Snowy. We would have adventures and I wouldn't need to have him on a lead and he would be extremely well behaved and my best friend. Realistically I know it wouldn't be exactly like this, atleast not right away, but I could hope and dream right?
Someday I'll be able to get a dog but I know I can't until I'm better able to support myself. I'd need to have a job that I can support myself with, pay my rent and buy groceries without being afraid I might not have another paycheck coming. Live in a place that isn't too expensive and I'm not afraid I might get kicked out of. I have enough fears of what I might have to pay in regards to doctor's fees. Things that OHIP or my benefits might not cover. It would be completely irresponsible to get a dog and not have money I could pay to a vet in the event that that dog got sick.
Until the day I am working in a career I am happy with and a little more stable health-wise and financially; I cannot have that kind of companion to depend on me for the necessities of life.
Man I want an effin dog though.
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