Blerg.

I have not updated in about two weeks and this reflects a little badly on my part because I do not have a good reason!
I was a little lazy, and the previous post to this one is a little lame. Nothing had really happened that week that I felt was super important to update about but I updated none-the-less. Then I was texting a buddy later in the day and had a pretty good conversation with him about how I had been planning the next couple of years of my life. That's what I hope to talk about in this post. THEN I'm going to make ANOTHER post about an e-mail I sent to a co-worker about running some events at my work.

SIDE NOTE: HEY LOOK A DISTRACTION!!



Anyways. What follows is essentially a transcript of the conversation I had with my buddy, the day after I posted my last... post.

Me: Have I told you that I want to go back to school for theater tech?

Zack: Whatttt? No! Thats awesome! Where would you be gpin?? (goin. Oh yeah, I'll include the spelling mistakes)

Me: I wanna go back to sheridan but its going to be like... A 4 year course so I'm toying with the idea of doing it after transitioning

Zack: Oh jeez eh.. ya man thats long... what are the reasons for waiting? Obv. just from your perspective
Zack: Like in stead of transitionin in school

Me: Well I feel like I'd have enough onn my plate with a heavy course like theater tech and also because its going to be 4 years I would like to start fresh with a new class instead of going through those changes infront of everyone

Zack: Ha totally fair enough... itsa good idea

Me: I don't know if I want to be living like a student for that long though lol yknow?

Zack: Hmmmm well look at it this way... if you went to school and then were given the choice to transition... would you really not take it cause you were in school?

Me: That is a good point. I would still do it
Me: I guess I just don't likethe idea of being put on display while I'm trying to work
Me: And a litle scared that I might be judged while being inbetween
Me: I want to be able to pass in my classes I don't want it to be an issue :/
Me: I should be blogging this lmao sorry abbout all the posts

Zack: No no dude feel free i like hearin you text bout it:-) i was just doin my pilates thing
Zack: Honrstly man most people wont even pay attention... especially if you go in there as male and sobt say anythin else aaout it
Zack: Do things like get them to put john on the attendance
Either that or wait till youve at least started transitioning.

Me: I guess... I mean thats what you did right

Zack: Ya pretty much... at least starting transitioning definately made me feel more solid before goin to school.


BAM! so there's some stuff to think about.
I'm still not sure what I'm going to do but...y'know I think that's okay. This sort of stuff is good to think about.

The Waiting Game

Its been a long week back at work. I am starting to realize that this job is not for me, it is not ultimately fulfilling as well as very stressful.

I am making friends and meeting people BUT if I am in the lowest spot in the totem pole and still coming home and worrying about what is getting done at work and what I will have to deal with when I get back the next morning or on Monday then something is not working properly within that company.

On the plus side I found out that I have begun paying off my student loans. And I believe within the next couple of months I should be getting health benefits from work. Which will be awesome, I hope... I hope that it will come in handy if I need assistance once I start therapy or if I'll need assistance starting hormones or with surgery.

I would like to go back to school for theater tech I believe. I want to go back to school after taking care of the next few... steps I guess. (I don't know what to really refer to it as) I'm not feeling like I'm making "official progress" I'm currently waiting on a call from the organization whose waiting list I am on for a spot in therapy (hurray!) but it feels like I have been waiting for a very very long time and I don't know how much longer I will have to wait for.

Occasionally I feel like I might not be taken seriously because I'm not seriously harming myself or abusing substances. I seriously hope that won't be the case. Everyone struggles in their own way and I hope everyone will be able to find peace in whatever way we are looking for it.

Lonesome Dog

I'm taking a little break from work as I start writing this. Currently I'm living at work for a few days to get some hardcore work done before guests comeback from the holidays. (I kind of work at a hotel type place) I'm mostly doing cleaning and things but it takes a long time so work is letting me crash in one of their rooms while I'm here.

I wanted to talk a bit about feeling lonely. Sometimes I think another pet would fix that, or at the very least make life a little more bearable.
I have been feeling this way for a couple of weeks now but its been getting worse lately. I've been itching for things to do to keep myself occupied. Thankfully my friends wanted to go see a film yesterday so we went to see Tintin. I have been excited to see this film since hearing Simon Pegg and Nick Frost would be Thompson and Thomson. I am a big fan of Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, and Edgar Wright. I also have fond memories of watching Tintin the cartoon as a child.

I also love Tintin's dog Snowy, how effing awesome is that dog? I sort of feel bad for all the parents who took their kids to see that film because every one of them is going to leave that theater wanting a freaking dog. They will, I know because I want one.
I however, have 23 years of wanting a dog under my belt as opposed to some little kid wanting one for a week and a half.

I feel like a dog would be good to have in some respects because it would want more from me than my rats do. (I have 3 and I love them to bits but its not quite the same) Perhaps I have this romanticized (figuratively, of course) idea of what having a dog would be like. The idea of having a friend who would be undyingly loyal and who would love you unconditionally regardless of who I was. Maybe I secretly hope that having a dog would be like having Snowy. We would have adventures and I wouldn't need to have him on a lead and he would be extremely well behaved and my best friend. Realistically I know it wouldn't be exactly like this, atleast not right away, but I could hope and dream right?
Someday I'll be able to get a dog but I know I can't until I'm better able to support myself. I'd need to have a job that I can support myself with, pay my rent and buy groceries without being afraid I might not have another paycheck coming. Live in a place that isn't too expensive and I'm not afraid I might get kicked out of. I have enough fears of what I might have to pay in regards to doctor's fees. Things that OHIP or my benefits might not cover. It would be completely irresponsible to get a dog and not have money I could pay to a vet in the event that that dog got sick.

Until the day I am working in a career I am happy with and a little more stable health-wise and financially; I cannot have that kind of companion to depend on me for the necessities of life.

Man I want an effin dog though.